Thursday, 5 January 2012

Poledance faceplant

All-staffer from HR. A few weeks ago we moved into our newly refurbished offices. Somebody this week has managed to break their nose by walking into a pillar.


Hi everybody,

As I am sure you are all aware, we had a small incident on Tuesday when S**** took a nasty knock. Fortunately he will live to see another day, and he has promised me faithfully that he will not demonstrate his pole-dancing skills in the office again - no matter how many £5 notes L**** thrusts at him...

However, it raises the serious point of everyone needing to take extra care in the new environment as things are unfamiliar and it will take a while for you to get used to the new area following the renovation. Needless to say we are doing everything we can to ensure the new environment is safe as well as aesthetically pleasing. We are looking into ways of more clearly sign-posting the pillars, but in the meantime they have temporary tape around them to remind you of their presence.



Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Bookshelf, criminal past

[sent prior to impending office move to an upstairs floor]

Dear all,
I can't take my furniture upstairs, apparently.

R***** is kindly taking the oval table that currently holds the fruitbowl away, but I have a small wooden bookshelf if anyone wants that?
There is no room at all at C****** Towers.
The bookshelf belonged to my cousin M****, a judge who was kicked off the bench in Hong Kong for lying so spectacularly about himself in Who's Who.
He has recently been banged up in his 80s, along with his wife, for some kind of Chinese benefit fraud.

I know that he would like the shelves to be useful, even if only as firewood in our freezing office.

Any takers?

Wednesday, 31 August 2011


[all-staffer from CEO]

Quick question to you all: is this a genuine e-mail? I'm just not sure if I should send the erotic photo I've just taken of myself in the disabled toilet. All advice appreciated.


Hello Dear gentleman. How are you?
Thank you for your patience in waiting for a answer.
Friendship and sex and dialogue and further long-term relationship, it is interesting to you? If yes, then this message is intended to you!
Let me introduce myself. (My name is|I‘m Lyubow, Iam 25 years old.
I am young woman, cheerful woman, without complexes and without any bad habits, love life and appreciate each moment of life! I'm looking for a real man who can love me in every sense of the word. I‘m looking for man for relationships and sex. If you have not complexes, if you are ready to make a bright unforgettable story of a gray boring life, if you 're ready to go in the world of pleasure and kindness! Do not miss this opportunity. leave all cases, answer me.
I like to make love. We could communicate and share photo, and even erotic pictures. That is one of my photo. In the future, of course you'll get more of my photography and you can learn me closer.

Please write me as soon as possible only on my private mail:

With best wishes!
Your passionate Lyubow.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Fruity goings-on

I appreciate this is super-petty, especially given the events of this week, but someone keeps nabbing fruit from my desk. It's there when I leave and gone the next day. Sometimes the fruit is the company's own. And sometimes - if I'm feeling like a ponce - it's more exotic treats from a leading supermarket. Nectarines for instance. Or yams.

Do I need to start locking up my juicy nectarines - or just eat them quicker?

And does anybody else* share my plight?

*R***, I know you keep losing bananas. Let's talk.

Friday, 29 July 2011

Summer Party

Hi all,

Usual form at the party yesterday - well done!

I collected a few jackets/cardigans from The H*****, so if you're missing one come and see me.



[all-staff response from CEO]

I also heard that T** H***** lost his dignity. If anybody found it in and amongst the vomit and violence, please return it to him. He can now be found residing at Hammersmith Custody Facility, care of the Metropolitan Constabulary.


[all-staff response from HR]

Just had a call from the hotel. Apparently, someone did a poo in a bin.

I think it's safe to say we can never return to The H***** ever again.

Thank you all for making it a great party. Have lovely weekends!

Monday, 4 July 2011


Did you call Aquarium Architecture with regards to having an aquarium installed in your office? If so please call R***** H**** on 0207*******. Thanks.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

No bell-ends

I'm leaving the agency today...

Thanks for making my last six years so fun, productive and a great learning experience. I genuinely can't imagine that I would have been better off anywhere else. This is because of the people. There is a remarkably low concentration of bell-ends. *********** is like a long, thick, erect phallus that is ready to blow but without a bell-end. Of that we should all be proud.

Apologies if that gush was a little embarrassing. Clean the vomit off your desk, close your computer down and come to the pub...

As I said, I bloody love it but having started here almost six years ago as a graduate trainee, I am worried the love might be Stockholm Syndrome (to extend the metaphor that makes ***** a little like Josef Friztl).

Thanks again. It's been hugely enjoyable.


Monday, 14 March 2011

All the gear, no idea

Hi Account Management and Planners,

Wonder if I can pick your collective brains. We're trying to find examples of where people are advised/required to use multiple products or items to get better results. You get bonus points if this is linked to a long term advantage, whether financial, living longer, or losing (girls)/gaining (boys) extra inches.

The obvious example for the ladies, and the more heteropolitan men amongst us would be Clinique's 3 Step. For the LADs, it'll be things like your shaving routine (no E*****, not your pubic topiary), or A****' patented Kahlua/Lager/Babycham drinking 'system'.

It would be great to get some non health and beauty related examples. Best response receives a copy of C**** J******'s self-help book, "From Second Class Degree, to First Class Travel."

Thank you very much.


Friday, 25 February 2011

Easter Party

Hi everybody,

My favourite day of the year is fast approaching - the Easter Party. This year - as in previous years - there will be dancing, singing, party games, animals, the Easter Bunny, chocolate and heavy metal* . What more could you and your children want?

The party is aimed at children aged 0-10 and will be held in the A****** during the afternoon of Tuesday 19th April.

I need to get an idea of numbers so if you would like to come along with your little ones, can you please email me asap and let me know their names and ages.

If anyone has any recommendations of children's entertainers, please do also get in touch.

Thank you

Clairey Poppins

*I might be lying about the heavy metal


My Uncle Alan is a Children's Entertainer. Let me know if you want his details - more info about his work on

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Spam emails

From Finance:


As you are hopefully aware there has been an increase in the amount of VAT we all pay on most goods and services from 17.5 % to 20%.

Couple of points to bear in mind that affect day to day life here.
If setting up a new client you need to select the new VAT rate, same goes for suppliers. Expenses, please remember that all expenses need to be supported by a VAT receipt (if a vatable good or service) and not the credit card slip. We cannot claim the VAT (if applicable) without one. For those managing staff entertaining budgets this is particularly important as you don't want to lose 20% of your budget to the tax man. It's worth noting (and please don't shoot the messenger as these are HMRC rules), receipts for more than £250 need the VAT amount detailed, if it isn't the VAT cannot be claimed. Some retailers etc are good at this however, others are not, so it's worth checking the bill and if the VAT's not detailed request a full VAT receipt.
Any queries please ask.



From the MD:

And more broadly speaking, the Coalition fascists are forcing a rise in all living costs on all of us decent, hard-working families. I am genuinely considering extending my meat-based diet to include Spam as a meal option (it will be like being a permanent guest at B****' house).

Comrade L*****
General Secretary - Politburo


From B****:

For a while I couldn't afford Spam and had to resort to the Poundland equivalent, Spaz. Fortunately I discovered a hidden job number recently, entitled 'L*****'s portion of pork'. Now I buy Espammé from Waitrose and expense it.


From Finance:

Don't worry, the eagle eyes of finance spotted this a while ago and have actually been deducting this off of B****' salary.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Greetings from Chicago

So my New Year's Eve went as follows...

A girl that I had met in a bar invited me to Hearts -

'It's the hottest new club in town. We're staying a hotel on Lakeshore, come up to the room and we'll go out with my friends.'

I was expecting a bunch of friendly mid westerners, so imagine my surprise when I opened the door c. 10pm to a wall of smoke, booze, techno music and a guy called brad who had squeezed his 6ft 6in frame into a chalk-stripe ill fitting suit.

'Awfully pleased to make your acquaintance old chap.'

I ventured, a little put off by his pro wrestler stature and scarred face. Always better to ham it up a bit, I find, in these situations.

'Sup. You must be the limey, come on in and met the girls.'

It transpired that the 'girls' were in fact his employees, who he sends to private parties to undress and do spectacular things with water bottles and cucumbers. They were all quite preoccupied with getting ready, but Mishka kindly tried to involve me in proceedings by asking me to check whether her nipples were visible through her top (which didn't need trousers / skirt to go with it apparently). She asked me to let her know should they pop out at all later. She likes to grind, you see. Grinding is the American version of dancing, which I think I unknowingly attempted a few times at Leeds University Coc Soc. A man stealthily approaches a girl on the dance-floor from behind, she then backs into you and put your hand on her thigh. If you move your hand down, they like you, if they move it up, they don't. I pointed out that either way you're copping a feel, which gave them pause for thought. I wasn't a natural, as most of you will now I see dancing as confrontation: a battle of gurning, athleticism and rhythm which requires a face off of some description. Intimacy can only follow when you've vanquished your opponent. I did show them the lawn-mower, sprinkler, shopping trolley, drying your back with a towel, dealing the cards and reversing the truck, but I think the dance-floor is one of those environments that will expose cultural differences rather than reconcile them. Anyway, a good night. Suffice it to say I think I have made some friends for life.

Since then I have been seeing quite a lot of a particular girl who has a dog called Barry. I called him Berry for three days before realizing that was an accent thing. Barry is special because he thinks he is human - i.e. allowed to get into bed with me and lick my face. This takes some getting used to but I had to draw the line when I was woken the other day by a dog's tongue lapping my buttocks. There have been a few epic parties, including an extraordinary night in which we ended up in a millionaire's penthouse. I ran around the place screaming every time I entered a new room, each surpassing the last in terms of opulence and vulgarity. Made friends with a couple of homies who are taking me to a secret Wu Tang Clan gig on Saturday in the South Side. Luckily I'm quite ghetto so I should fit in. In fact I've been practicing my walk with a slightly affected limp by walking around the city listening to Kanye (ChicagoLad). The briefcase doesn't really go with the look but I'm working on it. The most terrifying thing about walking round the tundra that is Chicago is not the biting cold or slippy patches but the random clumps of ice that fall out of the sky - I think it's something to do with air conditioning on the tall buildings. They helpfully warn you with massive signs saying 'Caution! Falling ice.' But they aren't that helpful because ice is invisible against a white sky and I'd rather get hit on the crown than the nose when looking up to watch for it.

There is an extraordinary amount of interest here for the Royal Wedding. So much so that I've decided to capitalize on it and put on a party on the big day with a mate who is a barkeep at a three story arty hotspot called The English. My plan is to position myself as Prince William and audition the part of Kate to girls in the agency. I will give roles to various people within the agency - Archbishop of Canterbury, Page, Flower Girl etc. Only problem is the time difference but I'll see if can shut down the agency for the day. Got to reach for the stars.

Thanks to those of you who are staying in touch - always good to hear from you. What news from London? Is N**** P***** still taken? Is H**** a changed man?

Lots of love


P.S. Work is going well, too.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Academic elitism

Hello all,

A couple of pleas for help in relation to the Graduate Foundation:

1. We will be visiting Oxford, Cambridge, Bristol and Manchester universities in October, and London schools early next year, doing talks on getting into advertising and publicising our grad foundation programme. Our plan is for teams of 3 to deliver these talks, and we'd love for at least one of these people to be an alumnus of the institution we are visiting. If you are interested in being one of the people we send along to speak to undergraduates, and have studied at one of the universities listed above, please get in touch. (If you went to a London uni, do let us know which one, as we haven't finalised our list of which ones we will visit yet.)

2. We have been asked to input into an article that the Guardian are writing about Oxford graduates. If you went to Oxford, please could you hit 'reply' and let me know which college you attended and what you studied?

Thank you kindly.



I attended a Bucksbridge College.

It got full University status in 2008 as well, so must be pretty good. Will we not be visiting there?


We won't be accepting anyone else from an institution that accepts Nectar Points over UCAS Points. Even if they get all the shapes in the right holes. Sorry.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Farewell email

Rule number one: send your team a farewell email before your boozy leaving lunch.



Thank you again for this wonderful lunch and last day. I had a great time with you all. I know some of you are very jealous of my croquet skills but screw you! I am good. Get over it!

I had a great time with you and I wish you all the best for the future. Please keep me updated with M******** new product as I need to have the latest product for my DRAG SHOW.

J**** you are the best !"!!!!!!!

R**** you are so hot, don't change. B***** don't be so jealous!!!

Also, I think H**** should be the new A****** Planner as she is so BRIGHT. SO BRIGHT........ She is not as good as an AM but she would be amazing as Planner.

I love you all.. Please call me next time you have drinks., Only if it's in Shoreditch house



Obviously I am very drunk I forgot to send my contact details incase you need to invite minorities to your dinner parties. Remember I tick more than 1 box as I am a gay Arab:

My personal contact details are





Thursday, 1 July 2010

Your Freedom

Just launched today, Cleggy's 'Ask The Nation' initiative to consult the Great Unwashed on what laws, civil rights etc we want to get rid of.

As expected, it's got off to a flying start and tapped into the serious manner in which our Nation treats Politics with one 'fagburn' proposing an end to the ban on marrying a horse. That's our target consumer, that is. Who's for emigrating?



They just shouldn't ask the public about important stuff. The public are fucking idiots.

My idea is to make the minimum age of work to 17years of age, as this will increase the amount off jobs which therefore intunrs more careers avaliable. I also think that the age of becoming a flight attendant should be from the age of 17

In my opinion the death sentence should be brought back for premeditated murders, mass murderers, drug barons and peadophiles... Peadophiles are hurting children physically and scarring them mentally. The majority, if not all, know that it's illegal to have sex with under 16's. If the victim is a teenager who looks older than 16 and it's questionable whether they knew the age, then they should receive a prison sentence- common sense must be used when giving the death sentence.

I have had property stolen from my side garden shorltly after moving into my house as I wasn't aloud to erect a 6 ft fence without planning consent. After the cost of paying for the fencing I couldn't afford planning permission so I had to leacve my side garden open to the road. Within weeks I had a copper fire pit stolen from my garden.

Although I do quite like this one:

The Coalition government should repeal the Law of Gravity [1687] as legislated by Isaac Newton.


I like the second person's spelling of peadophile. What's he got against people who love that delicious green legume?


I suppose they'll try to ban rape next.

I know it's not the best for hayfever sufferers, but the leaves provide valuable food for livestock, and the oil from the seeds is extremely valuable. The fact that its primary use is as a lubricant is ironic, in a sinister sort of way.


I am an Italian living in England. I mandate the Government to enforce rigorous and widespread use of video technology in sport. In a recent contest I was involved in, state-of-the-art video cameras captured images of the football crossing our goal line four times, yet spotted the ball legitimately crossing the opposition's goal line only once. The faulty editing of this footage gave my employers the impression of a grievous lack of professional competence - potentially serious enough to cost me my job - and I will be left with a paltry 9 million of your useless English pounds to erect secure perimeter fencing around my countryside mansion.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Zoo magazine: cretins

This came from a girl named Claire Hodgson, Editorial Assistant at Zoo magazine, to our Managing Director. Bear in mind that he is the MD of a multi-multi-million dollar ad agency, one of the world's top five.


Hi ****,

Hope you’re having a good Friday! Our guys are all in until midnight tonight covering the England game and I wanted to see if there’s any chance we could get some McDonalds, or any beers or snacks delivered later?! Would absolutely make our night!

Bit cheeky I know, but it would really boost morale.




Bit cheeky? Bit fucking mental, more like. Who knows who she thought she was emailing. Did he respond? Don't know. But he did forward it to the entire agency...


This came to me out of the blue.

She's clearly found her natural IQ home at the esteemed organ that is Zoo magazine.

If anybody's got any cold Big Mac leftovers, please feel free to bike them over to the fragrant Claire...


Thursday, 20 May 2010

Polo & pies

I have a ticket to the Jack Wills' Oxford vs Cambridge varsity polo match if anyone is interested. Was £50 but you can have it for £25 (...apparently tickets are £80 on the day).

Matches: Oxford vs Cambridge; Eton vs Harrow; Harvard vs Yale
Grounds: Guard's Polo Club, Smith's Lawn, Windsor
Date: Sat 12th June (gates open at 10am)

Ticket pack includes...
Car pass
Viewing of all polo matches
Access to the Jack Wills' Village (footie screening*, Pimms' bus, Bike Polo, food stalls, blah blah)
Voucher for JW goody bag (inc. free limited edition polo shirt)
Wristband for JW after-party access (starts at 7pm, DJs, etc)

* For any footie fans apparently there's a large screening of the England vs USA world cup match

Yee-hah, x


funny that,

i have a ticket to the Pukka Pies annual coal slinging championship if anyone is interested. Was £2.00 but you can have it for 50p and a few cafe warwick chips (apparently tickets are 4 pounds on the day).

Matches: Bradford vs Rochdale; Castleford vs Hull; Grimsby vs Wakefield.
Grounds: Back of the Asda car park, Prostitute Lane, Bradford.
Date Sat 12th June ( 'Tits out' Trish lifts car park barrier at 10am)

Ticket pass includes...

Bus pass
Viewing of all coal slinging, fighting and scab picking.
Access to the "Pukka Pies' metal bench (coal slinging screening*, Gravy bus, stolen scooter, Asda, and the like)
Free pie voucher (including limited edition sachet of daddies sauce)
Half finished tattoo for after match Special Brew downing event (starts at 7pm, tramps, etc)

* For any footie fans apparently there's a large screening of the England vs USA world cup match in the window of Curries on the high street.

Fucking quality, x

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Impressive rug... players wanted. Well actually, anyone will do. It's that time of year when we are roused from our slumber by the sound of birdsong, the girls wear skimpier clothes, everyone sweats more on the tube, ginger people scuttle for the shade, and NABS announces its summer sporting calendar.

On Sunday 9th May, the annual industry Rugby 7s tournament will take place in Richmond. Last year, we showered ourselves in glory by reaching the Plate quarter-final, before being dumped out unceremoniously by eventual winners, Grey. We plan to improve on this in 2010, and mirror our storming rise in the new biz rankings. Not only is this a cider-fuelled day of fun for Alpha males, but a great day out for people of all genders. Those who came last year will remember with great fondness the blazing sun, party marquees, free booze, beautiful 'mee-jah' folk, the cooling waters of the Thames, ****** ***** and his massive tackle in "slightly too tight" shorts, **** *****' whippet-like runs, some ******* 'work experience' that they didn't recognise, and *** ******, drenched in sweat and grime (following his walk up from the tube).

Importantly, Ogilvy and DDB both brought cheerleading squads last year, most of whom looked like they had been set on fire and then put out with a spade - given that we are in the Sunday Times 100 Best Looking companies or something, we should be able to compete here too, with our own harem of lycra-clad beauties, and other supporters.

As a precursor to the male-only tournament, and to hone already impressive ball handling skills, we thought a bit of mixed touch (rugby) over the coming lunchtimes/evenings might be good. What better than a canter in the sun, lashings of ginger beer, and then some top drawer badinage in the showers afterwards, asking ***** ****** about his organic growth.

Let myself or ******** ******* know if you'd be keen to play on the day, or get involved with some touch, or give ****** ***** a shout if you want to join B****** Integrated Team of Cheerleading Helpers (B.I.T.C.H).

Yours in Rugby,


Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Expenses bureaucracy


******** ****** have put in a request for some very detailed information as part of its CSR obligations; this information is becoming more important and ******** has committed to report on several CSR metrics for the 2009 year. Finance and HR are working on this now.

Collation of this data retrospectively is a nightmare both in terms of extreme inefficiency and compromised accuracy given time-lag etc. We need your help to make the task easier for the 2010 reports. To do this we need you to report distances travelled whilst on business by filling in the business miles field on the expense claim. This will be required when using any of the following modes of transport when making an expense claim:

Personal car
Hire car
Pool car

For those journeys that are regular to your client I suggest team secretaries investigate the number of miles and circulate to team members for use on claims as they arise. Which should help save some time.
Capturing the number of passengers is also key, so please remember to accurately fill in the agency staff field too, plus number of clients if applicable to the journey in question.

I really wish we didn't have to impose this additional burden, but it's completely out of our control and has been mandated by *****.

Please can you make sure you include this data in all expenses claims following this note; I'm afraid if the data is not provided we will need to return incomplete expense forms to you and this will delay payment to you..which we obviously don't want to happen.

To put what we're asking of you into some form of context.....we are also being asked to provide data on how much glass we recycle and sheets of paper used, provide a split of electricity used between type of usage and a host of other pieces of info - I'm sure you can imagine how much fun that is!! So your help in capturing business miles is really appreciated.

Thanks in advance for your understanding and assistance...... and if you have any questions, please shout.



Thank you very much for this ****.

However, when I use the Circle Line, I am only able to travel around it in a clockwise direction. This is for medical reasons (I have an inner-ear balance problem). Therefore, even if I'm only needing to travel one stop from, say, Gloucester Road to South Kensington, I have to travel 26 stops to adhere to my clockwise requirement. Could you please clarify what mileage I record in this scenario? Is it the single mile that the proverbial crow would have flown, or is it the 25 miles I would have actually travelled?

Please feel free to refer this to the ******** ****** HQ. They seem to have a lot of time on their hands.

Many thanks,



the 25 as it offsets the carbon footprint of all the taxis you take...


I have a question. Should we use miles or kilometres?

Given that France was the first country to adopt the metric system (1791), would it be easier to supply the data in that form, or is there a special finance person in ***** who will be performing the calculation?

In 1999 NASA famously lost a $125 million Mars orbiter, because one engineering bod used metric units, while another used US customary units for a calculation. Silly. I'd be pretty furious if I lost expenses of a similar amount, so it would be good to know.

Thanks for the clarification.

As a minor aside, I hope the research into sheets of paper used isn't going to extend to 'private' functions - we all like to treat ourselves to a safety wipe from time to time, and I wouldn't want ***** to poke their noses in there.

Yours in CSR,


Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Stolen Pizza all-staffer

Can the person that stole the pizza from the first floor fridge please order a replacement.

My colleague A***** has been hard at work since early this morning without a break and has now found that she is also without her lunch.

I'm sure that an apology would be appreciated, but first things first, lunch.

The poor girl is wasting away!


Oink oink oink. There's a fatso in the building. Lets kill all fatsos so this will never happen again.

R*** B***
B***** S*****
T*** H*******

Who else are fat in this place who would eat a whole pizza?


It could be someone in A******.

While I was caressing one of the toilet seats down there to get a last sniff of L***** B*********, I noticed some half digested pizza in the bowl.


Friday, 12 February 2010

Binding machine update

Ye gods, have I ever typed a duller subject to an email?

You keen binders out there will have noticed that our machine is malfunctioning. I believe it is still potentially useable but clearly is behaving a little erratically in the manner of a demonically possessed binding machine. No, really, go try, it's freaky.