Friday, 11 December 2009

Frantic & inexplicable

Hi everyone

Could you please just let me know (ASAP) if you got married this year - and the name of your other half. And if you can respond on behalf of someone who is not here today - please do so.



Thursday, 3 December 2009

Printer issues

Does anyone know where the 4th floor photocopier W0408IR5055 has gone?

It was here a minute ago but seems to have disappeared. It's massive so will be difficult to miss. Please have a look around your desks...***** ****** is checking the toilets.




I saw it leaving reception. It said that after years of not being credited for the creative work that it produces, it's off to set-up its own boutique agency. Staffed only by humourless machines. Like BBH, but different. Apparently...


I noticed W0310CL4050 giving it the eye last week. Maybe they eloped.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Planning flamewar

You need to be a bit of a geek to keep up with this one.
Person A = Green
Person B = Blue
Person C = Red


Obviously when I said meet at 9, I meant 10. I'm really grumpy in the mornings. Think Predator. It's for your own safety.

Thank fuck. I need at least two cups of tea before I can speak coherently.



Tea and late starts? You two wouldn't last long in my army.
But fine - I'll just have to make it the third amazing thing I do tomorrow rather than the second.


...and then round it off with breakfast at Milliways?

brilliant, just brilliant...

What are you two nerdspods muttering about?

you're joking, right?

I am aware of Mr Adams and various bits of his oeuvre but haven't ever read or watched them. Actually I did start reading HHGTTG but my attention wandered off.

(Person B) - is it possible to defriend people on lotus notes?

The TV was before my time.


Read the books, or listen to the radio. Either will do as a start. Both must be done. Then, and only then, may you choose to watch the TV. But I wouldn't bother.

Jesus. First it's fucking vampires, then shitty tv sci-fi, now this. Recruitment standards have really gone down in this place...


Well if the selection criteria were limited to grumpy Glaswegian helmet-botherers who wear one jumper per year and can't recognise great storytelling when it tasers them up the whoopsie then it would be a small department.

But, admittedly, a happy one.

For your information, miss I-want-to-live-in-an-80s-Vidal-Sassoon-advert, it's two jumpers actually. One is white with blue stripes, the other is blue with white stripes. But of course your neon-saturated eyes probably can't tell the difference...

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Quiz night

Subject: Otrivia Newton John

Hello Everyone,

Just a timely reminder about the NABS Quiz, Auction and Discotheque on Thursday night.

In fact, the night would probably only be better if we were to have 2 hours of free booze in the bar first. Hang on, we only bloody have to celebrate the fantastic ******** new business win. ****** will be dancing on the bar in a red swimsuit and serving a variety of milk-based cocktails, before heading upstairs to give us a glimpse of his cerebellum.

We've got some incredible auction prizes too - Some horse-based fun with ***** ******, 42" inches of telly, wedding planners, rugby tickets, *** ******'s helmet, and signed sporting memorabilia to name but a few.

So make sure you're signed up to take on "Quizlamic Jihad", "The *** Cereal Killers", and "Quiz on my face" - there are a few places on teams that still need to be filled, and we've managed to add one more table that is still up for grabs.

Also, to all those who haven't paid, please get your money to ***** ****. Without our help, some planners far away in London will be forced to use Microsoft Excel 2007 to compile spreadsheets. The inhumanity.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Sense of humour FAIL

[context: Board Account Director objects to amusing lookalikes of him in weekly all-staff mailer, but lacks the social skills to articulate said concerns.]

On reflection I've decided my sense of humour doesn't stretch as far as you clearly think it does.
No more offensive comparison pics thank you.
Do you understand?

Is it not common courtesy when some asks a question to expect a response?

Humblest apologies. Yes, I did understand that request, complex though it was.

Thanks. And whilst I may appear touchy on the subject (I'm usually not) I got laughed at too much for comfort yesterday - it was a little tiresome - so would appreciate my pics coming off current/future versions with immediate effect.

Fair enough - do bear in mind that it was ***** who suggested said likenesses. (The same ***** that you compared to 'a potato full of drugs'.)

***, my friend, I do not bear you any grudge. I am well aware of the source!
I could bark on about 'hands in fires' etc but I won't. Anyway once was mildly amusing, twice a bit offensive...
Matter closed.

I understand your ire, ****** - nobody likes to be lampooned unjustly, and I have removed the offending images. However, it's important to retain a sense of perspective. *********, by its very nature, is irreverent and ridiculous; while it is never my intention to specifically offend, I like to think that the concept as a whole (and the lookalike section in particular) is a conduit for creativity for the agency; every likeness, such as they may or may not be, is suggested from the user end and published unedited as such. It certainly isn't meant to offend and I apologise for any discomfort or awkwardness this has caused, but I suspect that if your colleagues are laughing at you for something so trivial then perhaps this is an HR matter, rather than something to put on my shoulders.

For future reference, I'm always happy to remove material that's causing issues (like I say, it's never my intention to offend), but steaming in with comments like 'Do you understand?' and making ironic use of the concept of 'common courtesy' is frankly a little bit rude - so let's make a deal. I'll exempt you from any mention in future issues unless it's glowingly rosy, and in return you can refrain from chastising me like a naughty schoolboy. Sound good?

Like you say, matter closed.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Office phone sex

Hi ****

********* just dialled into a conference call in (I think) the ****** office and could hear nothing but heavy breathing and moaning. She called us all in to have a listen - two people were clearly doing it on the conference room table with no idea that we could hear them. For ages.

It's the best thing that's happened all week.


Monday, 19 October 2009

The adland class divide


Sending all-staffers is a good way of reaching a moderately large number of people who might want to buy your old bric-a-brac. However, you may also find that your 'I have such-and-such for sale' email is met with a wave of sighs. For this reason, I've created a noticeboard on *** ******* - you can share details of what you have to offload without potentially irritating people. All you need to do is send me the details and I'll upload it for you for all to see. This will stop everyone's inboxes being flooded (and will lessen the depression and demoralisation suffered by us poorer employees who live on Tesco Value beans, have no idea how they're going to pay the gas bill and die a little inside at the thought of spending over three hundred sheets on a ***** *****).

You can find the noticeboard in the London area of *** *******, which I'm sure you're all familiar with by now, right?

You can use this for selling your old stuff, promoting your cousin's bespoke furniture shop, hawking your fancy holiday home and all the other things you rich folk get up to.

If you have any questions or want to put anything on the noticeboard, let me know. I'll be the one with holes in his shoes, begging for your spare change and scraps from your table.


Friday, 16 October 2009

Hi, everyone. You're fired.

***** ***** 16/10/09 16:10

That subject line is surely the best redundancy notice ever...


***** ***** 16/10/09 16:04

Careers Fair at *** next week - Yes! You could be there!

Hi all,

Sorry for the short notice but we are considering attending the careers fair at *** on *** *** **** to drum up some awareness for our ******* ******* Scheme 2010. We need some volunteers who are free from 4.30-8.30 next Weds evening, will simply be a question of meeting grads and talking about your wonderful experiences here at *****. Please let me know asap if you are free and able to attend.

If it is bribery you require, please name your price.



Thursday, 15 October 2009

Subject: Stop it, you filth


There's a man in this building who likes to read newspapers on the toilet. He likes to read our newspapers on the toilet, and always leaves them in there. We don't really fancy retrieving them after he's finished with them, we don't know what he does in there - it's never a grown-up paper with long words and clever people news. It's always one that's got tits in it. That's what he likes looking at while he's sitting in a dark room with his trousers around his ankles.

We know who he is. If he does it one more time I'll tell you his name.


You're at work, not on CraigsList

Subject: Fridge Freezer

Has anyone got one they want to sell?
Just moved into my new house and the previous owners have taken theirs with them.
Can't have my wine getting warm.


Pretentious to the last

Dear all,

This week is my last one in the agency.

I won't go into details as there is too much to say, but it has been a pleasure to work with you!

I wish you all the best, and as Hemingway once said "Never mistake motion for action."


Transparent bribery

Dear ***,

Just wondered if you had a chance to help ***** out with her request this AM? No probs if you have not had the time. However, we need the results within the next ninety mins. Do-able?

Ps: might have the keys to a SL55 AMG for a few days, wanna try it out with me?


Thursday, 8 October 2009

Oh, the drama!

Good Morning All,

Can whoever took the black Tote umbrella from upstairs in **** ****** yesterday at about 4pm please return it ASAP. If you would prefer to stay anonymous then please return it ASAP to ***** in reception, or send me an email to let me know you have it.

Taking something that does not belong to you is unacceptable and because of this I had to walk home in the pouring rain (this is not funny)!



Monday, 5 October 2009

Shitty research request

Hi ******,

A shitty request. Quite literally.

1. What is the total global value of the "digestive health" category?

2. And what is the growth trend of this category?

By "digestive health" we mean anything that helps you 'relieve bloating', or helps you take a jolly good dump.

We're obviously talking cereals such as *********, **** *****, and ***** *** ...supplements such as ***** **** and *******, and yoghurts such as ******* ... the whole shooting match.

Let me know what's possible by um, Tuesday. Told you it was shitty.

If there are off the shelf reports with a price tag, let me know and I'll hopefully get the cost approved.

Yours defecatorially,

Unexpected use of the word 'semantics'

This Friday ******* and ******** have organised a private viewing of the exhibition so you can see the work, the truly 'magnificent' work, in all its glory.
Who's Invited: ************ Group People (first in first served)
Time: 6-7pm
Semantics: 2 x 25 seater coaches will leave *********** at 5:30pm on Friday 25th September bound for the '******* ******* Gallery'. First come first served to board the bus and get into the exhibition.

New starter - first week intro

I used to write a Carrie Bradshaw type of column for *****, the magazine that covers matters of a sexual nature for womenfolk. At the launch party in Soho, I got there at the same time as Jodie Marsh. I was completely mesmerised by her orangeness and how she’d inventively created an outfit out of a couple of belts – she must have been in Brownies – that I didn’t look where I was going and tripped, falling flat on my face in front of all the paparazzi. My bag broke open and everything went everywhere. Somewhere in the files there’s probably a pap shot of Jodie with me crawling around in the background, trying to retrieve a lipstick from between her legs. So to speak.

Friday, 2 October 2009


Dear All

I'm sure loads of you saw the hysterical headlines trumpeting that the 'Internet has overtaken TV as the Biggest Advertising Sector'.

Of course, the reality is somewhat different. This is explained extremely well in this blog post from, unsurprisingly, the Head of the organisation that markets TV, Tess Alps. She's a brilliant lady who is very consistent in her argument that the modern world of communications is all about understanding the complementary roles of all media rather than trying to 'point score' on behalf of the sector she markets...unlike the IAB.

As we continue on our journey to becoming a hybrid, 'third way' agency that appreciates that, when it comes to the 'digital vs traditional' debate, it's not 'either or', it's 'both', Ms. Alps' views are the ones I'd most like us all to align with. Fuck me, that was a tortuous sentence. However, I think you'll find that it's syntactically correct.

I thank you.


Thursday, 1 October 2009

An email from some mice, apparently

we know what you're going to do.

but before you do it, just know we'll be bloody ready for you.

like dad's army were ready.

like churchill was ready.

like at the end of the third series of lost when they were prepared for the others.

like the french resistance were ready (sort of).

like greece were ready for portugal.

like noah and his ark were ready.

like the trojans weren't ready for the argives.

we ARE this place. kill us and you've killed the soul of the building. we know everything that goes on here.

we see ****** playing with his whoopie cushion.

we know the only reason you want the ******** account is for the free mousetraps.

we see the naughty couples touching each other in the special room behind the ******** ***.

we saw ****** perming ********'s hair with her hot fingers.

it was our bloody idea to shoot that ad on a ****** *****.

we see who nicks ***'s mags (it's ******** by the way)

we're now going to get really bloody drunk until friday, and also mash up some glass, cover ourselves in glue, roll around in the glass, then jump all over you.

you were warned. eek off.

Friday, 25 September 2009


Whoever it is that's applying for a job as Global Brand Director at ******* and/or Integrated Marketing Communications Director at ********* - you've left your job specs up here on the third floor.

Both roles apparently require 'discretion', so... best of luck there.

Toilet reading

Dear gentlemen of the ********* Building,

Please stop pinching the tabloids so that you can read them while you're having a dump. We're fed up with finding the Sun, the Star and the Mirror on the floor of the khazi every single bloody day, and obviously we can't archive them after they've been abandoned in a puddle of piss. Seriously, just stop it. It's a massive waste of our money to be buying these all in just so that you can ogle the norks while you evacuate your bowels. If you want to catch up on what Katie's saying about Peter or whether Jacko's really dead while you're unleashing a brown demon, please supply your own reading material.

Comedy ticket for sale

Hello everyone.

I have a spare ticket for Richard Herring's 'Oh Fuck, I'm 40' show at the Arts Theatre on Friday 29th Feb.

The man is a genius and if you don't find him ball-achingly funny then you're probably a tedious robot from the future who likes Titchmarsh and crying in the dark. So, yeah... come along if you want. You'll have to sit with me but don't worry, I'll probably keep my hands to myself. (Be aware that I can make no such promises for my awful friend ***** who, in all honesty, will make you feel really uncomfortable.)

Ticket was £12.50 but, you know, buy me a few drinks and we'll call it even.


p.s. This isn't a cry for help.

Phone for sale


Would you like to buy a mobile telephone? I bet you would. Perhaps yours is a bit rubbish? Perhaps you want a spare (which, if we're honest, is a very sensible idea)? Buy mine. It's good, you'll like it.

Call me on **** for details. Come on, don't be a prick.

Even in context, this was confusing

Hi this is **** and I'm with The Weather.

I'm trying to find out how The Weather is feeling, but The Weather is pretty much keeping itself to itself and refuses to tell me how it will be later. I've tried offering biscuits.

I will therefore leave The Weather outside to think over its behaviour.


PS ******* and I like the hula hooping girl talking about "s is for sex"



I've already briefed *** on this as it's an issue of great confidentiality due to massive ramifications and repurcussions.

I think I've invented the Ultimate Mangler......what I would call the 'Flux Mangler Plus'

It combines the outright ball-removing efficiency of the Mangler Plus with the 'pause/rewind' functionality of the Flux Mangler.

Imagine kicking someone's balls clean off, no hard that they fly for AT LEAST 150 metres.........and then rewinding them back at high speed so that they cause even further trauma! You could actually repeatedly watch someone's balls smashing in and out of them.

I'd imagine the US Army will be interested. Keep it under your hat or, as it's a foot-based device, firmly within a thick sock or a slip-on loafer.


Marketing Week

Hello everyone.

I'm afraid the delivery of Marketing Week has been delayed today because "it on'y came inna ware'ouse abaht an haaar ago", so we "won' geddit til tomorrer" and there's "nuffink we can do abaaaaaaaaaaaaht it".

You can read most of it at so hopefully that'll suffice until tomorrow morning. Enormous apologies. Please don't hurt me, it really isn't my fault. Blame the extravagantly cockneyish tossers at ******** or ******* or whatever their name is this week.



Hello Agency,

We're looking for a German lady aged 25-35, or at the very least a native German speaker with an authentic accent. We'd need an hour of your time today to help us out with recording a voiceover for an ad that we're testing.

Apart from the honour of your voice being played to literally tens of German housewives in a darkened room in ********* and my eternal gratitude, we would provide an alcohol based reward or your choice of the finest industrial techno with chainsaw SFX that iTunes has to offer.

If you fit the bill, and would be willing to help out, please give me a tinkle.

Please note, all xenophobic or 'comedy' responses will be forwarded to HR with the recommendation of several months in a Siberian labour camp by way of punishment.



Please can you make sure that you don't put your left over food down the sinks in the bathrooms (who does that???) apparently in the last few weeks there have been several blockages mainly in Bays 1 and 2 (despatch end of the building), which is a total pain for facilities and very costly - its also totally minging.

There are big bins provided in each kitchen especially for this purpose, so please make sure you use them rather than the bathroom sinks.


MD's response to the above email

Indeed. Bins, not bathroom facilities, are for leftover food. Mind you, it's probably the same confused person who keeps shitting in my bin.

Hopping mad

Just to 1) save myself from having to tell the story too many times, and 2) spoil ******'s fun by not allowing him to tell the story too many times, I feel an all-staff email is required to tell you all that i dislocated my knee on Friday night. Yes, I was spectacularly pissed, yes, I was attempting to carry **** and **** to show how strong I am, and yes, wee *** gleefully leaped on my back at this point and out popped my knee. I believe that I cried out in a high, girlish voice, but I can't truly remember.

As you see me hopping around on crutches for the next couple of weeks, feel free to point and laugh.

Love x


Well as you know my life is enviable and glamorous

came off last of a succession of longhauls after a few days swimming with SHARKS around boardroom tables and very little sleep having had to suck up to sharks and do my day job long into the night juggling people in time zones, dribbling and weak with exhaustion, and imagining the piles of washing, mess and dirty plates prepared for me by my loving family (there were no disappointments there as it turned out) but - no driver waiting, then after too many angry calls, old driver appears who says ' I'm 75' - not cos it's his birthday but just cos he is

then he was all shifty and insisted on going to the car while he got his ticket - I assumed he wanted a wee or something.
I dutifully got into the draylon back seat of a bouncy suspension-free old nissan...

but actually he'd lost the ticket so we drove round and round the multistorey look for the parking office, then he found it and took 45mins to sort it out, then he tailgated all the way home and cut people up and went psycho the whole way

next driver the following day after another there- n-back trip had such BO I 'did a labrador' and had my head stuck out the window all the way down the M4 - pong pong pong

meantime on a quick hop to ****** after secret meeting of intense skullduggery, I paid $15 for a '10min backrub' by the departure gate and the massage woman starts singing enya and improvising her own words like 'reeelaaax, it's sooooothing in your eyes, youre auara's mine to heal ...' -jeez, I was really really afraid. she put her finger in my ear too which was wrong, all wrong, not sure deliberate, she was a nutter

then I look up and there is an impenetrable forest of wheelchairs jockeying for position all around me, I look up higher and see it's a flight to Lourdes. I look down again and notice ten monks in cadfael robes looking sternly at the people in the wheelchairs (don't know why, maybe they wanted a turn). and my phone rang but i couldn't fish it out of my bag in time and said 'fu*k' - this is my damnation for treating myself to a 10 min weirdo-rubdown, I've been rumbled by my boss, and the wheelies/monk assemblage all heard and cursed me to hell for my profanity

this plus outrageous behaviour from very high maintenance ****** people who insisted on an a la carte meal in the middle AND end of the day, teams in ******** and ****** grossly misbehaving in very different but sleep-stealing ways and some unexpected difficulties in my normally immaculate assassin-squad ****** team

please can I have a nice job down with you ?

Further toilet reading

There's a man in this building who likes to read newspapers on the toilet. He likes to read our newspapers on the toilet, and always leaves them in there. We don't really fancy retrieving them after he's finished with them, we don't know what he does in there - it's never a grown-up paper with long words and clever people news. It's always one that's got tits in it. That's what he likes looking at while he's sitting in a dark room with his trousers around his ankles.

We know who he is. If he does it one more time I'll tell you his name.

Free houmous

Anyone want a tub of delicious caramelised onion houmous? I only had a tiny scoop before I realised that it's full of carbs. (My bastard fucking doctor says 'no carbs, no wheat, no dairy' - I don't know what that leaves. Lichen? Wasps? Christ, I'm hungry.)

Anyway, it's yours if you want it. Save yourself £1.14 (minus the 0.7pence-worth I snaffled). Once the contents have been consumed, I'm sure that the pot will make an excellent storage facility for your wayward paperclips and suchlike. It's got a lid and everything.

More thievery

Morning all.

I've had a number of people recently reporting that magazines they've ordered haven't been turning up. Process of elimination has shown that it's not that the suppliers aren't delivering them, nor is it that the heroically fastidious team in the postroom aren't distributing them - it comes down to some person/persons wandering off with other people's post.

Now, if you see a copy of NME or Heat or whatever sitting in someone's post tray you might think it's a minor frivolity, but if they've ordered it they've done so for a reason. Taking other people's post is (obviously) theft.

Don't steal from your colleagues, it's not on. And you're making me look a right dick.


Honda for sale

I know what you're thinking. The sun's shining, you're wearing clean pants and you work in an office that's got a bar in it. Your life isn't turning out too badly.

...but surely there's more to it than this? It can't all be me, me, me - how about some sort of benevolent charitable activity to make your soul shine and your halo glimmer? What could you do this week to make the world a marginally better place? Fear not, I have the answer.

As you're no doubt aware, the rate at which cars are destroyed, crushed, crashed and generally decommissioned in the UK is devastating. Perfectly good machines, once somebody's pride and joy, needlessly and callously sidelined in the bleak and shameless name of progress. Well, no more! I put it to you that it is your obligation & your duty to do what you can to stem this destructive flow. Do it. Save a Honda today.

Call me on **** and buy something worth fighting for.

It'll only cost you a few hundred to get it ship-shape... go on, you know it makes sense.


Stop nicking our stuff, it's mean and it's making us very sad.

I've said this a million times before (well... not to you ***** folk. Hello. Welcome to my bitterness), but people are still relentlessly and remorselessly stealing our newspapers and magazines.

We get these in for your use, that's true. That is their purpose. There are, however, systems involved; rules that need to be adhered to... otherwise there will be total anarchy. If you all carry on in this way, we may find copies of Campaign lining the floor of the bar like some absurb canary cage, wads of the Telegraph blocking the toilets, inoperable elevators due to shafts jammed with the Economist. Could you live in such a world? It smacks of dystopian calamity to us.

Look, come and help yourselves to the news and mags - that is, of course, what they're for. But please, please sign out what you've borrowed in the little blue folder and for the love of all that is holy, do return the damn things at some point. There's no merit in us spending all this money to be a continually up-to-date source of information if people are just stealing our resources on a daily basis. We're seriously considering cancelling everything, splitting the money between us and going on a nice little holiday somewhere. It'd be a lovely soothing break for us, plus I'd be spared the indignity of saying 'I'm sorry, we don't have the newspaper/magazine/whatever you're after' over and over again.

So please - play by the rules. We're not bad people, we don't deserve this. We've totally lost our faith in the human spirit and are on the verge of implosion... and you don't want that on your conscience.

Lots of manly handshakes, heartfelt hugs and shifty sideways glances,


p.s. Today is Campaign day. This always gets stolen straight away. Think on - you're not the only one here.
p.p.s. We're keeping a closer eye on the resources from now on; if we see you a-thieving, we'll follow you to your desk and yoink your most expensive possessions (although they're probably from Netto, you cheapskate).
p.p.p.s. Don't leave The Sun in the lav - I know there's a delicious poetry to the situation but do try to exercise restraint.
p.p.p.p.s. Sorry to nag. I hope you all have a lovely day. I like you.

Campaign (yet again)

Dear thieves,

Please return all of our copies of Campaign immediately, lest we rampage through the office in an orgy of insane violent blood-lust fury.

Lots of love,

Campaign (again)

Campaign gets stolen from us every week. Every week.

We buy in all these magazines so that everyone can have access to them without having to get individual subscriptions for each person (which would obviously cost a fortune), but the system breaks down if you nick stuff and don't bring it back because it means no-one else can see whatever it is you've pinched. It's selfish. So, two things:

1) Remember that if you're borrowing something you need to sign it out in the folder, and bring it back at some point too.

2) We won't be keeping Campaign on the magazine racks any more, it'll be in a secret place. You'll need to ask us for it. Sorry to be draconian, but this is what happens when you betray us. We have feelings too. Imagine a cute fluffy little bunny being repeatedly kicked in the face by Russell Crowe. That's what you're doing to us.


Campaign has failed to materialise again this week. I would apologise profusely, but it's not my fault. It's the fault of *********. Annoyed? Call them on 0207*******. Ask for *****. Tell her she's incompetent. Tell her she couldn't organise a nun-shoot in a nunnery. Tell her she couldn't open a can of beans that was already open.

Hopefully our big bulging stack of mags will be here soon. Those of you that get Campaign in the post should be receiving it as normal. The rest of you will need to perch on the edge of your seats and await further instruction.


Morning all.

Those of you that receive newspapers/magazines/etc may have noticed their absence this morning. I can only apologise for this (it isn't my fault, but you look like you need a scapegoat and my morning couldn't get a lot worse). Apparently our suppliers have a rather traditional view of the supply/demand chain and insist on being paid for things. Imagine that.

Hopefully this will all soon be a distant and unpleasant memory. In the meantime, feel free to come down and swear at us. We promise not to retaliate.