Stop nicking our stuff, it's mean and it's making us very sad.
I've said this a million times before (well... not to you ***** folk. Hello. Welcome to my bitterness), but people are still relentlessly and remorselessly stealing our newspapers and magazines.
We get these in for your use, that's true. That is their purpose. There are, however, systems involved; rules that need to be adhered to... otherwise there will be total anarchy. If you all carry on in this way, we may find copies of Campaign lining the floor of the bar like some absurb canary cage, wads of the Telegraph blocking the toilets, inoperable elevators due to shafts jammed with the Economist. Could you live in such a world? It smacks of dystopian calamity to us.
Look, come and help yourselves to the news and mags - that is, of course, what they're for. But please, please sign out what you've borrowed in the little blue folder and for the love of all that is holy, do return the damn things at some point. There's no merit in us spending all this money to be a continually up-to-date source of information if people are just stealing our resources on a daily basis. We're seriously considering cancelling everything, splitting the money between us and going on a nice little holiday somewhere. It'd be a lovely soothing break for us, plus I'd be spared the indignity of saying 'I'm sorry, we don't have the newspaper/magazine/whatever you're after' over and over again.
So please - play by the rules. We're not bad people, we don't deserve this. We've totally lost our faith in the human spirit and are on the verge of implosion... and you don't want that on your conscience.
Lots of manly handshakes, heartfelt hugs and shifty sideways glances,
p.s. Today is Campaign day. This always gets stolen straight away. Think on - you're not the only one here.
p.p.s. We're keeping a closer eye on the resources from now on; if we see you a-thieving, we'll follow you to your desk and yoink your most expensive possessions (although they're probably from Netto, you cheapskate).
p.p.p.s. Don't leave The Sun in the lav - I know there's a delicious poetry to the situation but do try to exercise restraint.
p.p.p.p.s. Sorry to nag. I hope you all have a lovely day. I like you.