Friday, 23 October 2009

Office phone sex

Hi ****

********* just dialled into a conference call in (I think) the ****** office and could hear nothing but heavy breathing and moaning. She called us all in to have a listen - two people were clearly doing it on the conference room table with no idea that we could hear them. For ages.

It's the best thing that's happened all week.

******

Monday, 19 October 2009

The adland class divide

All,

Sending all-staffers is a good way of reaching a moderately large number of people who might want to buy your old bric-a-brac. However, you may also find that your 'I have such-and-such for sale' email is met with a wave of sighs. For this reason, I've created a noticeboard on *** ******* - you can share details of what you have to offload without potentially irritating people. All you need to do is send me the details and I'll upload it for you for all to see. This will stop everyone's inboxes being flooded (and will lessen the depression and demoralisation suffered by us poorer employees who live on Tesco Value beans, have no idea how they're going to pay the gas bill and die a little inside at the thought of spending over three hundred sheets on a ***** *****).

You can find the noticeboard in the London area of *** *******, which I'm sure you're all familiar with by now, right?

You can use this for selling your old stuff, promoting your cousin's bespoke furniture shop, hawking your fancy holiday home and all the other things you rich folk get up to.

If you have any questions or want to put anything on the noticeboard, let me know. I'll be the one with holes in his shoes, begging for your spare change and scraps from your table.

******

Friday, 16 October 2009

Hi, everyone. You're fired.

***** ***** 16/10/09 16:10
To
******

That subject line is surely the best redundancy notice ever...


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


***** ***** 16/10/09 16:04
To
ALL STAFF

Subject:
Careers Fair at *** next week - Yes! You could be there!


Hi all,

Sorry for the short notice but we are considering attending the careers fair at *** on *** *** **** to drum up some awareness for our ******* ******* Scheme 2010. We need some volunteers who are free from 4.30-8.30 next Weds evening, will simply be a question of meeting grads and talking about your wonderful experiences here at *****. Please let me know asap if you are free and able to attend.

If it is bribery you require, please name your price.

Thanks

******

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Subject: Stop it, you filth

All,

There's a man in this building who likes to read newspapers on the toilet. He likes to read our newspapers on the toilet, and always leaves them in there. We don't really fancy retrieving them after he's finished with them, we don't know what he does in there - it's never a grown-up paper with long words and clever people news. It's always one that's got tits in it. That's what he likes looking at while he's sitting in a dark room with his trousers around his ankles.

We know who he is. If he does it one more time I'll tell you his name.

******

You're at work, not on CraigsList

Subject: Fridge Freezer

Has anyone got one they want to sell?
Just moved into my new house and the previous owners have taken theirs with them.
Can't have my wine getting warm.

*****

Pretentious to the last

Dear all,

This week is my last one in the agency.

I won't go into details as there is too much to say, but it has been a pleasure to work with you!

I wish you all the best, and as Hemingway once said "Never mistake motion for action."

****

Transparent bribery

Dear ***,

Just wondered if you had a chance to help ***** out with her request this AM? No probs if you have not had the time. However, we need the results within the next ninety mins. Do-able?

Ps: might have the keys to a SL55 AMG for a few days, wanna try it out with me?

*******

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Oh, the drama!

Good Morning All,

Can whoever took the black Tote umbrella from upstairs in **** ****** yesterday at about 4pm please return it ASAP. If you would prefer to stay anonymous then please return it ASAP to ***** in reception, or send me an email to let me know you have it.

Taking something that does not belong to you is unacceptable and because of this I had to walk home in the pouring rain (this is not funny)!

Thanks,

*******

Monday, 5 October 2009

Shitty research request

Hi ******,

A shitty request. Quite literally.

1. What is the total global value of the "digestive health" category?

2. And what is the growth trend of this category?

By "digestive health" we mean anything that helps you 'relieve bloating', or helps you take a jolly good dump.

We're obviously talking cereals such as *********, **** *****, and ***** *** ...supplements such as ***** **** and *******, and yoghurts such as ******* ... the whole shooting match.

Let me know what's possible by um, Tuesday. Told you it was shitty.

If there are off the shelf reports with a price tag, let me know and I'll hopefully get the cost approved.

Yours defecatorially,
******

Unexpected use of the word 'semantics'

This Friday ******* and ******** have organised a private viewing of the exhibition so you can see the work, the truly 'magnificent' work, in all its glory.
Who's Invited: ************ Group People (first in first served)
Time: 6-7pm
Semantics: 2 x 25 seater coaches will leave *********** at 5:30pm on Friday 25th September bound for the '******* ******* Gallery'. First come first served to board the bus and get into the exhibition.

New starter - first week intro

I used to write a Carrie Bradshaw type of column for *****, the magazine that covers matters of a sexual nature for womenfolk. At the launch party in Soho, I got there at the same time as Jodie Marsh. I was completely mesmerised by her orangeness and how she’d inventively created an outfit out of a couple of belts – she must have been in Brownies – that I didn’t look where I was going and tripped, falling flat on my face in front of all the paparazzi. My bag broke open and everything went everywhere. Somewhere in the files there’s probably a pap shot of Jodie with me crawling around in the background, trying to retrieve a lipstick from between her legs. So to speak.

Friday, 2 October 2009

Syntax

Dear All

I'm sure loads of you saw the hysterical headlines trumpeting that the 'Internet has overtaken TV as the Biggest Advertising Sector'.

Of course, the reality is somewhat different. This is explained extremely well in this blog post from, unsurprisingly, the Head of the organisation that markets TV, Tess Alps. She's a brilliant lady who is very consistent in her argument that the modern world of communications is all about understanding the complementary roles of all media rather than trying to 'point score' on behalf of the sector she markets...unlike the IAB.

As we continue on our journey to becoming a hybrid, 'third way' agency that appreciates that, when it comes to the 'digital vs traditional' debate, it's not 'either or', it's 'both', Ms. Alps' views are the ones I'd most like us all to align with. Fuck me, that was a tortuous sentence. However, I think you'll find that it's syntactically correct.

I thank you.

******

Thursday, 1 October 2009

An email from some mice, apparently

we know what you're going to do.

but before you do it, just know we'll be bloody ready for you.

like dad's army were ready.

like churchill was ready.

like at the end of the third series of lost when they were prepared for the others.

like the french resistance were ready (sort of).

like greece were ready for portugal.

like noah and his ark were ready.

like the trojans weren't ready for the argives.

we ARE this place. kill us and you've killed the soul of the building. we know everything that goes on here.

we see ****** playing with his whoopie cushion.

we know the only reason you want the ******** account is for the free mousetraps.

we see the naughty couples touching each other in the special room behind the ******** ***.

we saw ****** perming ********'s hair with her hot fingers.

it was our bloody idea to shoot that ad on a ****** *****.

we see who nicks ***'s mags (it's ******** by the way)

we're now going to get really bloody drunk until friday, and also mash up some glass, cover ourselves in glue, roll around in the glass, then jump all over you.

you were warned. eek off.