Friday, 20 August 2010

Academic elitism

Hello all,

A couple of pleas for help in relation to the Graduate Foundation:

1. We will be visiting Oxford, Cambridge, Bristol and Manchester universities in October, and London schools early next year, doing talks on getting into advertising and publicising our grad foundation programme. Our plan is for teams of 3 to deliver these talks, and we'd love for at least one of these people to be an alumnus of the institution we are visiting. If you are interested in being one of the people we send along to speak to undergraduates, and have studied at one of the universities listed above, please get in touch. (If you went to a London uni, do let us know which one, as we haven't finalised our list of which ones we will visit yet.)

2. We have been asked to input into an article that the Guardian are writing about Oxford graduates. If you went to Oxford, please could you hit 'reply' and let me know which college you attended and what you studied?

Thank you kindly.

R****


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I attended a Bucksbridge College.

http://bucks.ac.uk/

It got full University status in 2008 as well, so must be pretty good. Will we not be visiting there?


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We won't be accepting anyone else from an institution that accepts Nectar Points over UCAS Points. Even if they get all the shapes in the right holes. Sorry.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Farewell email

Rule number one: send your team a farewell email before your boozy leaving lunch.

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Hi,

Thank you again for this wonderful lunch and last day. I had a great time with you all. I know some of you are very jealous of my croquet skills but screw you! I am good. Get over it!

I had a great time with you and I wish you all the best for the future. Please keep me updated with M******** new product as I need to have the latest product for my DRAG SHOW.

J**** you are the best !"!!!!!!!

R**** you are so hot, don't change. B***** don't be so jealous!!!

Also, I think H**** should be the new A****** Planner as she is so BRIGHT. SO BRIGHT........ She is not as good as an AM but she would be amazing as Planner.

I love you all.. Please call me next time you have drinks., Only if it's in Shoreditch house

K****

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Obviously I am very drunk I forgot to send my contact details incase you need to invite minorities to your dinner parties. Remember I tick more than 1 box as I am a gay Arab:

My personal contact details are

k********@gmail.com
07*********

CIAO

K****


ADD ME ALL ON FACEBOOK

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Your Freedom

Just launched today, Cleggy's 'Ask The Nation' initiative to consult the Great Unwashed on what laws, civil rights etc we want to get rid of.

http://yourfreedom.hmg.gov.uk/

As expected, it's got off to a flying start and tapped into the serious manner in which our Nation treats Politics with one 'fagburn' proposing an end to the ban on marrying a horse. That's our target consumer, that is. Who's for emigrating?

****

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They just shouldn't ask the public about important stuff. The public are fucking idiots.

My idea is to make the minimum age of work to 17years of age, as this will increase the amount off jobs which therefore intunrs more careers avaliable. I also think that the age of becoming a flight attendant should be from the age of 17

In my opinion the death sentence should be brought back for premeditated murders, mass murderers, drug barons and peadophiles... Peadophiles are hurting children physically and scarring them mentally. The majority, if not all, know that it's illegal to have sex with under 16's. If the victim is a teenager who looks older than 16 and it's questionable whether they knew the age, then they should receive a prison sentence- common sense must be used when giving the death sentence.

I have had property stolen from my side garden shorltly after moving into my house as I wasn't aloud to erect a 6 ft fence without planning consent. After the cost of paying for the fencing I couldn't afford planning permission so I had to leacve my side garden open to the road. Within weeks I had a copper fire pit stolen from my garden.

Although I do quite like this one:

The Coalition government should repeal the Law of Gravity [1687] as legislated by Isaac Newton.

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I like the second person's spelling of peadophile. What's he got against people who love that delicious green legume?

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I suppose they'll try to ban rape next.

I know it's not the best for hayfever sufferers, but the leaves provide valuable food for livestock, and the oil from the seeds is extremely valuable. The fact that its primary use is as a lubricant is ironic, in a sinister sort of way.

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I am an Italian living in England. I mandate the Government to enforce rigorous and widespread use of video technology in sport. In a recent contest I was involved in, state-of-the-art video cameras captured images of the football crossing our goal line four times, yet spotted the ball legitimately crossing the opposition's goal line only once. The faulty editing of this footage gave my employers the impression of a grievous lack of professional competence - potentially serious enough to cost me my job - and I will be left with a paltry 9 million of your useless English pounds to erect secure perimeter fencing around my countryside mansion.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Zoo magazine: cretins

This came from a girl named Claire Hodgson, Editorial Assistant at Zoo magazine, to our Managing Director. Bear in mind that he is the MD of a multi-multi-million dollar ad agency, one of the world's top five.

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Hi ****,

Hope you’re having a good Friday! Our guys are all in until midnight tonight covering the England game and I wanted to see if there’s any chance we could get some McDonalds, or any beers or snacks delivered later?! Would absolutely make our night!

Bit cheeky I know, but it would really boost morale.

Thanks!

Claire

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Bit cheeky? Bit fucking mental, more like. Who knows who she thought she was emailing. Did he respond? Don't know. But he did forward it to the entire agency...

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This came to me out of the blue.

She's clearly found her natural IQ home at the esteemed organ that is Zoo magazine.

If anybody's got any cold Big Mac leftovers, please feel free to bike them over to the fragrant Claire...

****

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Polo & pies

I have a ticket to the Jack Wills' Oxford vs Cambridge varsity polo match if anyone is interested. Was £50 but you can have it for £25 (...apparently tickets are £80 on the day).

Matches: Oxford vs Cambridge; Eton vs Harrow; Harvard vs Yale
Grounds: Guard's Polo Club, Smith's Lawn, Windsor
Date: Sat 12th June (gates open at 10am)

Ticket pack includes...
Car pass
Viewing of all polo matches
Access to the Jack Wills' Village (footie screening*, Pimms' bus, Bike Polo, food stalls, blah blah)
Voucher for JW goody bag (inc. free limited edition polo shirt)
Wristband for JW after-party access (starts at 7pm, DJs, etc)

* For any footie fans apparently there's a large screening of the England vs USA world cup match

Yee-hah, x

http://www.jackwills.com/Community/Polo/Default.aspx


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funny that,

i have a ticket to the Pukka Pies annual coal slinging championship if anyone is interested. Was £2.00 but you can have it for 50p and a few cafe warwick chips (apparently tickets are 4 pounds on the day).

Matches: Bradford vs Rochdale; Castleford vs Hull; Grimsby vs Wakefield.
Grounds: Back of the Asda car park, Prostitute Lane, Bradford.
Date Sat 12th June ( 'Tits out' Trish lifts car park barrier at 10am)

Ticket pass includes...

Bus pass
Viewing of all coal slinging, fighting and scab picking.
Access to the "Pukka Pies' metal bench (coal slinging screening*, Gravy bus, stolen scooter, Asda, and the like)
Free pie voucher (including limited edition sachet of daddies sauce)
Half finished tattoo for after match Special Brew downing event (starts at 7pm, tramps, etc)

* For any footie fans apparently there's a large screening of the England vs USA world cup match in the window of Curries on the high street.

Fucking quality, x

http://www.pukkapies.co.uk/

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Impressive rug...

...by players wanted. Well actually, anyone will do. It's that time of year when we are roused from our slumber by the sound of birdsong, the girls wear skimpier clothes, everyone sweats more on the tube, ginger people scuttle for the shade, and NABS announces its summer sporting calendar.

On Sunday 9th May, the annual industry Rugby 7s tournament will take place in Richmond. Last year, we showered ourselves in glory by reaching the Plate quarter-final, before being dumped out unceremoniously by eventual winners, Grey. We plan to improve on this in 2010, and mirror our storming rise in the new biz rankings. Not only is this a cider-fuelled day of fun for Alpha males, but a great day out for people of all genders. Those who came last year will remember with great fondness the blazing sun, party marquees, free booze, beautiful 'mee-jah' folk, the cooling waters of the Thames, ****** ***** and his massive tackle in "slightly too tight" shorts, **** *****' whippet-like runs, some ******* 'work experience' that they didn't recognise, and *** ******, drenched in sweat and grime (following his walk up from the tube).

Importantly, Ogilvy and DDB both brought cheerleading squads last year, most of whom looked like they had been set on fire and then put out with a spade - given that we are in the Sunday Times 100 Best Looking companies or something, we should be able to compete here too, with our own harem of lycra-clad beauties, and other supporters.

As a precursor to the male-only tournament, and to hone already impressive ball handling skills, we thought a bit of mixed touch (rugby) over the coming lunchtimes/evenings might be good. What better than a canter in the sun, lashings of ginger beer, and then some top drawer badinage in the showers afterwards, asking ***** ****** about his organic growth.

Let myself or ******** ******* know if you'd be keen to play on the day, or get involved with some touch, or give ****** ***** a shout if you want to join B****** Integrated Team of Cheerleading Helpers (B.I.T.C.H).

Yours in Rugby,

*****

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Expenses bureaucracy

Afternoon,

******** ****** have put in a request for some very detailed information as part of its CSR obligations; this information is becoming more important and ******** has committed to report on several CSR metrics for the 2009 year. Finance and HR are working on this now.

Collation of this data retrospectively is a nightmare both in terms of extreme inefficiency and compromised accuracy given time-lag etc. We need your help to make the task easier for the 2010 reports. To do this we need you to report distances travelled whilst on business by filling in the business miles field on the expense claim. This will be required when using any of the following modes of transport when making an expense claim:

Personal car
Hire car
Pool car
Taxi
Overground
Underground

For those journeys that are regular to your client I suggest team secretaries investigate the number of miles and circulate to team members for use on claims as they arise. Which should help save some time.
Capturing the number of passengers is also key, so please remember to accurately fill in the agency staff field too, plus number of clients if applicable to the journey in question.

I really wish we didn't have to impose this additional burden, but it's completely out of our control and has been mandated by *****.

Please can you make sure you include this data in all expenses claims following this note; I'm afraid if the data is not provided we will need to return incomplete expense forms to you and this will delay payment to you..which we obviously don't want to happen.

To put what we're asking of you into some form of context.....we are also being asked to provide data on how much glass we recycle and sheets of paper used, provide a split of electricity used between type of usage and a host of other pieces of info - I'm sure you can imagine how much fun that is!! So your help in capturing business miles is really appreciated.

Thanks in advance for your understanding and assistance...... and if you have any questions, please shout.

****

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Thank you very much for this ****.

However, when I use the Circle Line, I am only able to travel around it in a clockwise direction. This is for medical reasons (I have an inner-ear balance problem). Therefore, even if I'm only needing to travel one stop from, say, Gloucester Road to South Kensington, I have to travel 26 stops to adhere to my clockwise requirement. Could you please clarify what mileage I record in this scenario? Is it the single mile that the proverbial crow would have flown, or is it the 25 miles I would have actually travelled?

Please feel free to refer this to the ******** ****** HQ. They seem to have a lot of time on their hands.

Many thanks,

****

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the 25 as it offsets the carbon footprint of all the taxis you take...

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I have a question. Should we use miles or kilometres?

Given that France was the first country to adopt the metric system (1791), would it be easier to supply the data in that form, or is there a special finance person in ***** who will be performing the calculation?

In 1999 NASA famously lost a $125 million Mars orbiter, because one engineering bod used metric units, while another used US customary units for a calculation. Silly. I'd be pretty furious if I lost expenses of a similar amount, so it would be good to know.

Thanks for the clarification.

As a minor aside, I hope the research into sheets of paper used isn't going to extend to 'private' functions - we all like to treat ourselves to a safety wipe from time to time, and I wouldn't want ***** to poke their noses in there.

Yours in CSR,

*****

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Stolen Pizza all-staffer

Can the person that stole the pizza from the first floor fridge please order a replacement.

My colleague A***** has been hard at work since early this morning without a break and has now found that she is also without her lunch.

I'm sure that an apology would be appreciated, but first things first, lunch.

The poor girl is wasting away!

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Oink oink oink. There's a fatso in the building. Lets kill all fatsos so this will never happen again.

R*** B***
B***** S*****
T*** H*******

Who else are fat in this place who would eat a whole pizza?

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It could be someone in A******.

While I was caressing one of the toilet seats down there to get a last sniff of L***** B*********, I noticed some half digested pizza in the bowl.

x

Friday, 12 February 2010

Binding machine update

Ye gods, have I ever typed a duller subject to an email?

You keen binders out there will have noticed that our machine is malfunctioning. I believe it is still potentially useable but clearly is behaving a little erratically in the manner of a demonically possessed binding machine. No, really, go try, it's freaky.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Disavowed

Hello everyone,

Today is my last day at ***********. It's been absolutely brilliant and I'll miss you all loads.
For anyone who wants to keep in touch, my email is *********@me.com and my mobile is ***** ******.
Thanks for putting up with me and I wish you all the very, very best for the future.

Lots of love,
****

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Response from the MD:

IT Helpdesk - I thought I'd asked for his e-mail access to be turned off last night?

He's dead to me.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

The Pedant

Dear All

Could everybody (particularly client-facing people) make sure that you have personalised greetings on your voicemail (both landline and mobile). When clients call they need to know they've reached the right person. There are still a load of people that that haven't bothered to change the factory setting! It just makes us look unprofessional.

Additionally, can you make sure that you enable your 'out-of-office' auto-reply when you're on holiday.

I will be spending 4 hours, each day, ringing everybody's mobiles and landlines to check. I might even consider visiting your dwellings at the weekend to see how courteous you are when you open the door.

I thank you.

Yours,

The Pedant.

**** ******
Managing Director