Friday, 23 July 2010

Farewell email

Rule number one: send your team a farewell email before your boozy leaving lunch.

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Hi,

Thank you again for this wonderful lunch and last day. I had a great time with you all. I know some of you are very jealous of my croquet skills but screw you! I am good. Get over it!

I had a great time with you and I wish you all the best for the future. Please keep me updated with M******** new product as I need to have the latest product for my DRAG SHOW.

J**** you are the best !"!!!!!!!

R**** you are so hot, don't change. B***** don't be so jealous!!!

Also, I think H**** should be the new A****** Planner as she is so BRIGHT. SO BRIGHT........ She is not as good as an AM but she would be amazing as Planner.

I love you all.. Please call me next time you have drinks., Only if it's in Shoreditch house

K****

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Obviously I am very drunk I forgot to send my contact details incase you need to invite minorities to your dinner parties. Remember I tick more than 1 box as I am a gay Arab:

My personal contact details are

k********@gmail.com
07*********

CIAO

K****


ADD ME ALL ON FACEBOOK

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Your Freedom

Just launched today, Cleggy's 'Ask The Nation' initiative to consult the Great Unwashed on what laws, civil rights etc we want to get rid of.

http://yourfreedom.hmg.gov.uk/

As expected, it's got off to a flying start and tapped into the serious manner in which our Nation treats Politics with one 'fagburn' proposing an end to the ban on marrying a horse. That's our target consumer, that is. Who's for emigrating?

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They just shouldn't ask the public about important stuff. The public are fucking idiots.

My idea is to make the minimum age of work to 17years of age, as this will increase the amount off jobs which therefore intunrs more careers avaliable. I also think that the age of becoming a flight attendant should be from the age of 17

In my opinion the death sentence should be brought back for premeditated murders, mass murderers, drug barons and peadophiles... Peadophiles are hurting children physically and scarring them mentally. The majority, if not all, know that it's illegal to have sex with under 16's. If the victim is a teenager who looks older than 16 and it's questionable whether they knew the age, then they should receive a prison sentence- common sense must be used when giving the death sentence.

I have had property stolen from my side garden shorltly after moving into my house as I wasn't aloud to erect a 6 ft fence without planning consent. After the cost of paying for the fencing I couldn't afford planning permission so I had to leacve my side garden open to the road. Within weeks I had a copper fire pit stolen from my garden.

Although I do quite like this one:

The Coalition government should repeal the Law of Gravity [1687] as legislated by Isaac Newton.

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I like the second person's spelling of peadophile. What's he got against people who love that delicious green legume?

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I suppose they'll try to ban rape next.

I know it's not the best for hayfever sufferers, but the leaves provide valuable food for livestock, and the oil from the seeds is extremely valuable. The fact that its primary use is as a lubricant is ironic, in a sinister sort of way.

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I am an Italian living in England. I mandate the Government to enforce rigorous and widespread use of video technology in sport. In a recent contest I was involved in, state-of-the-art video cameras captured images of the football crossing our goal line four times, yet spotted the ball legitimately crossing the opposition's goal line only once. The faulty editing of this footage gave my employers the impression of a grievous lack of professional competence - potentially serious enough to cost me my job - and I will be left with a paltry 9 million of your useless English pounds to erect secure perimeter fencing around my countryside mansion.