Emails from Adland

Poledance faceplant

2012-01-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

All-staffer from HR. A few weeks ago we moved into our newly refurbished offices. Somebody this week has managed to break their nose by walking into a pillar.

_________________________________

Hi everybody,

As I am sure you are all aware, we had a small incident on Tuesday when S**** took a nasty knock. Fortunately he will live to see another day, and he has promised me faithfully that he will not demonstrate his pole-dancing skills in the office again - no matter how many £5 notes L**** thrusts at him...

However, it raises the serious point of everyone needing to take extra care in the new environment as things are unfamiliar and it will take a while for you to get used to the new area following the renovation. Needless to say we are doing everything we can to ensure the new environment is safe as well as aesthetically pleasing. We are looking into ways of more clearly sign-posting the pillars, but in the meantime they have temporary tape around them to remind you of their presence.

Thanks

C*****

Bookshelf, criminal past

2011-12-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

[sent prior to impending office move to an upstairs floor]

Dear all,
I can't take my furniture upstairs, apparently.

R***** is kindly taking the oval table that currently holds the fruitbowl away, but I have a small wooden bookshelf if anyone wants that?
There is no room at all at C****** Towers.
The bookshelf belonged to my cousin M****, a judge who was kicked off the bench in Hong Kong for lying so spectacularly about himself in Who's Who.
He has recently been banged up in his 80s, along with his wife, for some kind of Chinese benefit fraud.

I know that he would like the shelves to be useful, even if only as firewood in our freezing office.

Any takers?

Lyubow

2011-08-31T08:04:00.000-07:00

[all-staffer from CEO]

Quick question to you all: is this a genuine e-mail? I'm just not sure if I should send the erotic photo I've just taken of myself in the disabled toilet. All advice appreciated.

>>>>>>>>>>

Hello Dear gentleman. How are you?
Thank you for your patience in waiting for a answer.
Friendship and sex and dialogue and further long-term relationship, it is interesting to you? If yes, then this message is intended to you!
Let me introduce myself. (My name is|I‘m Lyubow, Iam 25 years old.
I am young woman, cheerful woman, without complexes and without any bad habits, love life and appreciate each moment of life! I'm looking for a real man who can love me in every sense of the word. I‘m looking for man for relationships and sex. If you have not complexes, if you are ready to make a bright unforgettable story of a gray boring life, if you 're ready to go in the world of pleasure and kindness! Do not miss this opportunity. leave all cases, answer me.
I like to make love. We could communicate and share photo, and even erotic pictures. That is one of my photo. In the future, of course you'll get more of my photography and you can learn me closer.

Please write me as soon as possible only on my private mail: paradiselyubow@ymail.com

With best wishes!
Your passionate Lyubow.

Fruity goings-on

2011-08-10T03:27:00.000-07:00

I appreciate this is super-petty, especially given the events of this week, but someone keeps nabbing fruit from my desk. It's there when I leave and gone the next day. Sometimes the fruit is the company's own. And sometimes - if I'm feeling like a ponce - it's more exotic treats from a leading supermarket. Nectarines for instance. Or yams.

Do I need to start locking up my juicy nectarines - or just eat them quicker?

And does anybody else* share my plight?

*R***, I know you keep losing bananas. Let's talk.

Summer Party

2011-07-29T01:52:00.001-07:00

Hi all,

Usual form at the party yesterday - well done!

I collected a few jackets/cardigans from The H*****, so if you're missing one come and see me.

Thanks,
K****

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[all-staff response from CEO]

I also heard that T** H***** lost his dignity. If anybody found it in and amongst the vomit and violence, please return it to him. He can now be found residing at Hammersmith Custody Facility, care of the Metropolitan Constabulary.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[all-staff response from HR]

Just had a call from the hotel. Apparently, someone did a poo in a bin.

I think it's safe to say we can never return to The H***** ever again.

Thank you all for making it a great party. Have lovely weekends!

Aquarium

2011-07-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

Did you call Aquarium Architecture with regards to having an aquarium installed in your office? If so please call R***** H**** on 0207*******. Thanks.

No bell-ends

2011-06-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving the agency today...

Thanks for making my last six years so fun, productive and a great learning experience. I genuinely can't imagine that I would have been better off anywhere else. This is because of the people. There is a remarkably low concentration of bell-ends. *********** is like a long, thick, erect phallus that is ready to blow but without a bell-end. Of that we should all be proud.

Apologies if that gush was a little embarrassing. Clean the vomit off your desk, close your computer down and come to the pub...

As I said, I bloody love it but having started here almost six years ago as a graduate trainee, I am worried the love might be Stockholm Syndrome (to extend the metaphor that makes ***** a little like Josef Friztl).

Thanks again. It's been hugely enjoyable.

x

All the gear, no idea

2011-03-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hi Account Management and Planners,

Wonder if I can pick your collective brains. We're trying to find examples of where people are advised/required to use multiple products or items to get better results. You get bonus points if this is linked to a long term advantage, whether financial, living longer, or losing (girls)/gaining (boys) extra inches.

The obvious example for the ladies, and the more heteropolitan men amongst us would be Clinique's 3 Step. For the LADs, it'll be things like your shaving routine (no E*****, not your pubic topiary), or A****' patented Kahlua/Lager/Babycham drinking 'system'.

It would be great to get some non health and beauty related examples. Best response receives a copy of C**** J******'s self-help book, "From Second Class Degree, to First Class Travel."

Thank you very much.

J****

Easter Party

2011-02-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

Hi everybody,

My favourite day of the year is fast approaching - the Easter Party. This year - as in previous years - there will be dancing, singing, party games, animals, the Easter Bunny, chocolate and heavy metal* . What more could you and your children want?

The party is aimed at children aged 0-10 and will be held in the A****** during the afternoon of Tuesday 19th April.

I need to get an idea of numbers so if you would like to come along with your little ones, can you please email me asap and let me know their names and ages.

If anyone has any recommendations of children's entertainers, please do also get in touch.

Thank you

Clairey Poppins

*I might be lying about the heavy metal

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

My Uncle Alan is a Children's Entertainer. Let me know if you want his details - more info about his work on http://ceop.crimestoppers-uk.org/

Spam emails

2011-01-19T01:46:00.000-08:00

From Finance:

Afternoon,

As you are hopefully aware there has been an increase in the amount of VAT we all pay on most goods and services from 17.5 % to 20%.

Couple of points to bear in mind that affect day to day life here.
If setting up a new client you need to select the new VAT rate, same goes for suppliers. Expenses, please remember that all expenses need to be supported by a VAT receipt (if a vatable good or service) and not the credit card slip. We cannot claim the VAT (if applicable) without one. For those managing staff entertaining budgets this is particularly important as you don't want to lose 20% of your budget to the tax man. It's worth noting (and please don't shoot the messenger as these are HMRC rules), receipts for more than £250 need the VAT amount detailed, if it isn't the VAT cannot be claimed. Some retailers etc are good at this however, others are not, so it's worth checking the bill and if the VAT's not detailed request a full VAT receipt.
Any queries please ask.

Thanks
G***

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

From the MD:

And more broadly speaking, the Coalition fascists are forcing a rise in all living costs on all of us decent, hard-working families. I am genuinely considering extending my meat-based diet to include Spam as a meal option (it will be like being a permanent guest at B****' house).

Comrade L*****
General Secretary - Politburo

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

From B****:

For a while I couldn't afford Spam and had to resort to the Poundland equivalent, Spaz. Fortunately I discovered a hidden job number recently, entitled 'L*****'s portion of pork'. Now I buy Espammé from Waitrose and expense it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

From Finance:

Don't worry, the eagle eyes of finance spotted this a while ago and have actually been deducting this off of B****' salary.

Greetings from Chicago

2011-01-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

So my New Year's Eve went as follows...

A girl that I had met in a bar invited me to Hearts -

'It's the hottest new club in town. We're staying a hotel on Lakeshore, come up to the room and we'll go out with my friends.'

I was expecting a bunch of friendly mid westerners, so imagine my surprise when I opened the door c. 10pm to a wall of smoke, booze, techno music and a guy called brad who had squeezed his 6ft 6in frame into a chalk-stripe ill fitting suit.

'Awfully pleased to make your acquaintance old chap.'

I ventured, a little put off by his pro wrestler stature and scarred face. Always better to ham it up a bit, I find, in these situations.

'Sup. You must be the limey, come on in and met the girls.'

It transpired that the 'girls' were in fact his employees, who he sends to private parties to undress and do spectacular things with water bottles and cucumbers. They were all quite preoccupied with getting ready, but Mishka kindly tried to involve me in proceedings by asking me to check whether her nipples were visible through her top (which didn't need trousers / skirt to go with it apparently). She asked me to let her know should they pop out at all later. She likes to grind, you see. Grinding is the American version of dancing, which I think I unknowingly attempted a few times at Leeds University Coc Soc. A man stealthily approaches a girl on the dance-floor from behind, she then backs into you and put your hand on her thigh. If you move your hand down, they like you, if they move it up, they don't. I pointed out that either way you're copping a feel, which gave them pause for thought. I wasn't a natural, as most of you will now I see dancing as confrontation: a battle of gurning, athleticism and rhythm which requires a face off of some description. Intimacy can only follow when you've vanquished your opponent. I did show them the lawn-mower, sprinkler, shopping trolley, drying your back with a towel, dealing the cards and reversing the truck, but I think the dance-floor is one of those environments that will expose cultural differences rather than reconcile them. Anyway, a good night. Suffice it to say I think I have made some friends for life.

Since then I have been seeing quite a lot of a particular girl who has a dog called Barry. I called him Berry for three days before realizing that was an accent thing. Barry is special because he thinks he is human - i.e. allowed to get into bed with me and lick my face. This takes some getting used to but I had to draw the line when I was woken the other day by a dog's tongue lapping my buttocks. There have been a few epic parties, including an extraordinary night in which we ended up in a millionaire's penthouse. I ran around the place screaming every time I entered a new room, each surpassing the last in terms of opulence and vulgarity. Made friends with a couple of homies who are taking me to a secret Wu Tang Clan gig on Saturday in the South Side. Luckily I'm quite ghetto so I should fit in. In fact I've been practicing my walk with a slightly affected limp by walking around the city listening to Kanye (ChicagoLad). The briefcase doesn't really go with the look but I'm working on it. The most terrifying thing about walking round the tundra that is Chicago is not the biting cold or slippy patches but the random clumps of ice that fall out of the sky - I think it's something to do with air conditioning on the tall buildings. They helpfully warn you with massive signs saying 'Caution! Falling ice.' But they aren't that helpful because ice is invisible against a white sky and I'd rather get hit on the crown than the nose when looking up to watch for it.

There is an extraordinary amount of interest here for the Royal Wedding. So much so that I've decided to capitalize on it and put on a party on the big day with a mate who is a barkeep at a three story arty hotspot called The English. My plan is to position myself as Prince William and audition the part of Kate to girls in the agency. I will give roles to various people within the agency - Archbishop of Canterbury, Page, Flower Girl etc. Only problem is the time difference but I'll see if can shut down the agency for the day. Got to reach for the stars.

Thanks to those of you who are staying in touch - always good to hear from you. What news from London? Is N**** P***** still taken? Is H**** a changed man?

Lots of love

B*****
xoxo

P.S. Work is going well, too.

Academic elitism

2010-08-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

A couple of pleas for help in relation to the Graduate Foundation:

1. We will be visiting Oxford, Cambridge, Bristol and Manchester universities in October, and London schools early next year, doing talks on getting into advertising and publicising our grad foundation programme. Our plan is for teams of 3 to deliver these talks, and we'd love for at least one of these people to be an alumnus of the institution we are visiting. If you are interested in being one of the people we send along to speak to undergraduates, and have studied at one of the universities listed above, please get in touch. (If you went to a London uni, do let us know which one, as we haven't finalised our list of which ones we will visit yet.)

2. We have been asked to input into an article that the Guardian are writing about Oxford graduates. If you went to Oxford, please could you hit 'reply' and let me know which college you attended and what you studied?

Thank you kindly.

R****

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I attended a Bucksbridge College.

http://bucks.ac.uk/

It got full University status in 2008 as well, so must be pretty good. Will we not be visiting there?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We won't be accepting anyone else from an institution that accepts Nectar Points over UCAS Points. Even if they get all the shapes in the right holes. Sorry.

Farewell email

2010-07-23T02:35:00.000-07:00

Rule number one: send your team a farewell email before your boozy leaving lunch.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi,

Thank you again for this wonderful lunch and last day. I had a great time with you all. I know some of you are very jealous of my croquet skills but screw you! I am good. Get over it!

I had a great time with you and I wish you all the best for the future. Please keep me updated with M******** new product as I need to have the latest product for my DRAG SHOW.

J**** you are the best !"!!!!!!!

R**** you are so hot, don't change. B***** don't be so jealous!!!

Also, I think H**** should be the new A****** Planner as she is so BRIGHT. SO BRIGHT........ She is not as good as an AM but she would be amazing as Planner.

I love you all.. Please call me next time you have drinks., Only if it's in Shoreditch house

K****

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Obviously I am very drunk I forgot to send my contact details incase you need to invite minorities to your dinner parties. Remember I tick more than 1 box as I am a gay Arab:

My personal contact details are

k********@gmail.com
07*********

CIAO

K****

ADD ME ALL ON FACEBOOK

Your Freedom

2010-07-01T03:34:00.000-07:00

Just launched today, Cleggy's 'Ask The Nation' initiative to consult the Great Unwashed on what laws, civil rights etc we want to get rid of.

http://yourfreedom.hmg.gov.uk/

As expected, it's got off to a flying start and tapped into the serious manner in which our Nation treats Politics with one 'fagburn' proposing an end to the ban on marrying a horse. That's our target consumer, that is. Who's for emigrating?

****

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

They just shouldn't ask the public about important stuff. The public are fucking idiots.

My idea is to make the minimum age of work to 17years of age, as this will increase the amount off jobs which therefore intunrs more careers avaliable. I also think that the age of becoming a flight attendant should be from the age of 17

In my opinion the death sentence should be brought back for premeditated murders, mass murderers, drug barons and peadophiles... Peadophiles are hurting children physically and scarring them mentally. The majority, if not all, know that it's illegal to have sex with under 16's. If the victim is a teenager who looks older than 16 and it's questionable whether they knew the age, then they should receive a prison sentence- common sense must be used when giving the death sentence.

I have had property stolen from my side garden shorltly after moving into my house as I wasn't aloud to erect a 6 ft fence without planning consent. After the cost of paying for the fencing I couldn't afford planning permission so I had to leacve my side garden open to the road. Within weeks I had a copper fire pit stolen from my garden.

Although I do quite like this one:

The Coalition government should repeal the Law of Gravity [1687] as legislated by Isaac Newton.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I like the second person's spelling of peadophile. What's he got against people who love that delicious green legume?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I suppose they'll try to ban rape next.

I know it's not the best for hayfever sufferers, but the leaves provide valuable food for livestock, and the oil from the seeds is extremely valuable. The fact that its primary use is as a lubricant is ironic, in a sinister sort of way.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am an Italian living in England. I mandate the Government to enforce rigorous and widespread use of video technology in sport. In a recent contest I was involved in, state-of-the-art video cameras captured images of the football crossing our goal line four times, yet spotted the ball legitimately crossing the opposition's goal line only once. The faulty editing of this footage gave my employers the impression of a grievous lack of professional competence - potentially serious enough to cost me my job - and I will be left with a paltry 9 million of your useless English pounds to erect secure perimeter fencing around my countryside mansion.

Zoo magazine: cretins

2010-06-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

This came from a girl named Claire Hodgson, Editorial Assistant at Zoo magazine, to our Managing Director. Bear in mind that he is the MD of a multi-multi-million dollar ad agency, one of the world's top five.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi ****,

Hope you’re having a good Friday! Our guys are all in until midnight tonight covering the England game and I wanted to see if there’s any chance we could get some McDonalds, or any beers or snacks delivered later?! Would absolutely make our night!

Bit cheeky I know, but it would really boost morale.

Thanks!

Claire

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bit cheeky? Bit fucking mental, more like. Who knows who she thought she was emailing. Did he respond? Don't know. But he did forward it to the entire agency...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This came to me out of the blue.

She's clearly found her natural IQ home at the esteemed organ that is Zoo magazine.

If anybody's got any cold Big Mac leftovers, please feel free to bike them over to the fragrant Claire...

****

Polo & pies

2010-05-20T03:54:00.000-07:00

I have a ticket to the Jack Wills' Oxford vs Cambridge varsity polo match if anyone is interested. Was £50 but you can have it for £25 (...apparently tickets are £80 on the day).

Matches: Oxford vs Cambridge; Eton vs Harrow; Harvard vs Yale
Grounds: Guard's Polo Club, Smith's Lawn, Windsor
Date: Sat 12th June (gates open at 10am)

Ticket pack includes...
Car pass
Viewing of all polo matches
Access to the Jack Wills' Village (footie screening*, Pimms' bus, Bike Polo, food stalls, blah blah)
Voucher for JW goody bag (inc. free limited edition polo shirt)
Wristband for JW after-party access (starts at 7pm, DJs, etc)

* For any footie fans apparently there's a large screening of the England vs USA world cup match

Yee-hah, x

http://www.jackwills.com/Community/Polo/Default.aspx

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

funny that,

i have a ticket to the Pukka Pies annual coal slinging championship if anyone is interested. Was £2.00 but you can have it for 50p and a few cafe warwick chips (apparently tickets are 4 pounds on the day).

Matches: Bradford vs Rochdale; Castleford vs Hull; Grimsby vs Wakefield.
Grounds: Back of the Asda car park, Prostitute Lane, Bradford.
Date Sat 12th June ( 'Tits out' Trish lifts car park barrier at 10am)

Ticket pass includes...

Bus pass
Viewing of all coal slinging, fighting and scab picking.
Access to the "Pukka Pies' metal bench (coal slinging screening*, Gravy bus, stolen scooter, Asda, and the like)
Free pie voucher (including limited edition sachet of daddies sauce)
Half finished tattoo for after match Special Brew downing event (starts at 7pm, tramps, etc)

* For any footie fans apparently there's a large screening of the England vs USA world cup match in the window of Curries on the high street.

Fucking quality, x

http://www.pukkapies.co.uk/

Impressive rug...

2010-03-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

...by players wanted. Well actually, anyone will do. It's that time of year when we are roused from our slumber by the sound of birdsong, the girls wear skimpier clothes, everyone sweats more on the tube, ginger people scuttle for the shade, and NABS announces its summer sporting calendar.

On Sunday 9th May, the annual industry Rugby 7s tournament will take place in Richmond. Last year, we showered ourselves in glory by reaching the Plate quarter-final, before being dumped out unceremoniously by eventual winners, Grey. We plan to improve on this in 2010, and mirror our storming rise in the new biz rankings. Not only is this a cider-fuelled day of fun for Alpha males, but a great day out for people of all genders. Those who came last year will remember with great fondness the blazing sun, party marquees, free booze, beautiful 'mee-jah' folk, the cooling waters of the Thames, ****** ***** and his massive tackle in "slightly too tight" shorts, **** *****' whippet-like runs, some ******* 'work experience' that they didn't recognise, and *** ******, drenched in sweat and grime (following his walk up from the tube).

Importantly, Ogilvy and DDB both brought cheerleading squads last year, most of whom looked like they had been set on fire and then put out with a spade - given that we are in the Sunday Times 100 Best Looking companies or something, we should be able to compete here too, with our own harem of lycra-clad beauties, and other supporters.

As a precursor to the male-only tournament, and to hone already impressive ball handling skills, we thought a bit of mixed touch (rugby) over the coming lunchtimes/evenings might be good. What better than a canter in the sun, lashings of ginger beer, and then some top drawer badinage in the showers afterwards, asking ***** ****** about his organic growth.

Let myself or ******** ******* know if you'd be keen to play on the day, or get involved with some touch, or give ****** ***** a shout if you want to join B****** Integrated Team of Cheerleading Helpers (B.I.T.C.H).

Yours in Rugby,

*****

Expenses bureaucracy

2010-03-09T01:51:00.000-08:00

Afternoon,

******** ****** have put in a request for some very detailed information as part of its CSR obligations; this information is becoming more important and ******** has committed to report on several CSR metrics for the 2009 year. Finance and HR are working on this now.

Collation of this data retrospectively is a nightmare both in terms of extreme inefficiency and compromised accuracy given time-lag etc. We need your help to make the task easier for the 2010 reports. To do this we need you to report distances travelled whilst on business by filling in the business miles field on the expense claim. This will be required when using any of the following modes of transport when making an expense claim:

Personal car
Hire car
Pool car
Taxi
Overground
Underground

For those journeys that are regular to your client I suggest team secretaries investigate the number of miles and circulate to team members for use on claims as they arise. Which should help save some time.
Capturing the number of passengers is also key, so please remember to accurately fill in the agency staff field too, plus number of clients if applicable to the journey in question.

I really wish we didn't have to impose this additional burden, but it's completely out of our control and has been mandated by *****.

Please can you make sure you include this data in all expenses claims following this note; I'm afraid if the data is not provided we will need to return incomplete expense forms to you and this will delay payment to you..which we obviously don't want to happen.

To put what we're asking of you into some form of context.....we are also being asked to provide data on how much glass we recycle and sheets of paper used, provide a split of electricity used between type of usage and a host of other pieces of info - I'm sure you can imagine how much fun that is!! So your help in capturing business miles is really appreciated.

Thanks in advance for your understanding and assistance...... and if you have any questions, please shout.

****

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thank you very much for this ****.

However, when I use the Circle Line, I am only able to travel around it in a clockwise direction. This is for medical reasons (I have an inner-ear balance problem). Therefore, even if I'm only needing to travel one stop from, say, Gloucester Road to South Kensington, I have to travel 26 stops to adhere to my clockwise requirement. Could you please clarify what mileage I record in this scenario? Is it the single mile that the proverbial crow would have flown, or is it the 25 miles I would have actually travelled?

Please feel free to refer this to the ******** ****** HQ. They seem to have a lot of time on their hands.

Many thanks,

****

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

the 25 as it offsets the carbon footprint of all the taxis you take...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have a question. Should we use miles or kilometres?

Given that France was the first country to adopt the metric system (1791), would it be easier to supply the data in that form, or is there a special finance person in ***** who will be performing the calculation?

In 1999 NASA famously lost a $125 million Mars orbiter, because one engineering bod used metric units, while another used US customary units for a calculation. Silly. I'd be pretty furious if I lost expenses of a similar amount, so it would be good to know.

Thanks for the clarification.

As a minor aside, I hope the research into sheets of paper used isn't going to extend to 'private' functions - we all like to treat ourselves to a safety wipe from time to time, and I wouldn't want ***** to poke their noses in there.

Yours in CSR,

*****

Stolen Pizza all-staffer

2010-03-03T03:44:00.001-08:00

Can the person that stole the pizza from the first floor fridge please order a replacement.

My colleague A***** has been hard at work since early this morning without a break and has now found that she is also without her lunch.

I'm sure that an apology would be appreciated, but first things first, lunch.

The poor girl is wasting away!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Oink oink oink. There's a fatso in the building. Lets kill all fatsos so this will never happen again.

R*** B***
B***** S*****
T*** H*******

Who else are fat in this place who would eat a whole pizza?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It could be someone in A******.

While I was caressing one of the toilet seats down there to get a last sniff of L***** B*********, I noticed some half digested pizza in the bowl.

x

Binding machine update

2010-02-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

Ye gods, have I ever typed a duller subject to an email?

You keen binders out there will have noticed that our machine is malfunctioning. I believe it is still potentially useable but clearly is behaving a little erratically in the manner of a demonically possessed binding machine. No, really, go try, it's freaky.

Disavowed

2010-01-29T06:40:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

Today is my last day at ***********. It's been absolutely brilliant and I'll miss you all loads.
For anyone who wants to keep in touch, my email is *********@me.com and my mobile is ***** ******.
Thanks for putting up with me and I wish you all the very, very best for the future.

Lots of love,
****

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Response from the MD:

IT Helpdesk - I thought I'd asked for his e-mail access to be turned off last night?

He's dead to me.

The Pedant

2010-01-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

Dear All

Could everybody (particularly client-facing people) make sure that you have personalised greetings on your voicemail (both landline and mobile). When clients call they need to know they've reached the right person. There are still a load of people that that haven't bothered to change the factory setting! It just makes us look unprofessional.

Additionally, can you make sure that you enable your 'out-of-office' auto-reply when you're on holiday.

I will be spending 4 hours, each day, ringing everybody's mobiles and landlines to check. I might even consider visiting your dwellings at the weekend to see how courteous you are when you open the door.

I thank you.

Yours,

The Pedant.

**** ******
Managing Director

Frantic & inexplicable

2009-12-11T04:48:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone

Could you please just let me know (ASAP) if you got married this year - and the name of your other half. And if you can respond on behalf of someone who is not here today - please do so.

THANKS xxx

******

Printer issues

2009-12-03T02:03:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know where the 4th floor photocopier W0408IR5055 has gone?

It was here a minute ago but seems to have disappeared. It's massive so will be difficult to miss. Please have a look around your desks...***** ****** is checking the toilets.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

eBay?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I saw it leaving reception. It said that after years of not being credited for the creative work that it produces, it's off to set-up its own boutique agency. Staffed only by humourless machines. Like BBH, but different. Apparently...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I noticed W0310CL4050 giving it the eye last week. Maybe they eloped.

Planning flamewar

2009-11-19T09:29:00.000-08:00

You need to be a bit of a geek to keep up with this one.
Person A = Green
Person B = Blue
Person C = Red

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Obviously when I said meet at 9, I meant 10. I'm really grumpy in the mornings. Think Predator. It's for your own safety.
___________________________________________________________________

Thank fuck. I need at least two cups of tea before I can speak coherently.
___________________________________________________________________

Amen.

___________________________________________________________________

Tea and late starts? You two wouldn't last long in my army.
But fine - I'll just have to make it the third amazing thing I do tomorrow rather than the second.
___________________________________________________________________

...and then round it off with breakfast at Milliways?
___________________________________________________________________

brilliant, just brilliant...
___________________________________________________________________

What are you two nerdspods muttering about?
___________________________________________________________________

you're joking, right? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milliways#Milliways
___________________________________________________________________

I am aware of Mr Adams and various bits of his oeuvre but haven't ever read or watched them. Actually I did start reading HHGTTG but my attention wandered off.
___________________________________________________________________

(Person B) - is it possible to defriend people on lotus notes?
___________________________________________________________________

The TV was before my time.
___________________________________________________________________

TV??? FUCKING TV???

Read the books, or listen to the radio. Either will do as a start. Both must be done. Then, and only then, may you choose to watch the TV. But I wouldn't bother.

Jesus. First it's fucking vampires, then shitty tv sci-fi, now this. Recruitment standards have really gone down in this place...
___________________________________________________________________

Well if the selection criteria were limited to grumpy Glaswegian helmet-botherers who wear one jumper per year and can't recognise great storytelling when it tasers them up the whoopsie then it would be a small department.

But, admittedly, a happy one.
___________________________________________________________________

For your information, miss I-want-to-live-in-an-80s-Vidal-Sassoon-advert, it's two jumpers actually. One is white with blue stripes, the other is blue with white stripes. But of course your neon-saturated eyes probably can't tell the difference...
___________________________________________________________________

Quiz night

2009-11-10T04:34:00.000-08:00

Subject: Otrivia Newton John

Hello Everyone,

Just a timely reminder about the NABS Quiz, Auction and Discotheque on Thursday night.

In fact, the night would probably only be better if we were to have 2 hours of free booze in the bar first. Hang on, we only bloody have to celebrate the fantastic ******** new business win. ****** will be dancing on the bar in a red swimsuit and serving a variety of milk-based cocktails, before heading upstairs to give us a glimpse of his cerebellum.

We've got some incredible auction prizes too - Some horse-based fun with ***** ******, 42" inches of telly, wedding planners, rugby tickets, *** ******'s helmet, and signed sporting memorabilia to name but a few.

So make sure you're signed up to take on "Quizlamic Jihad", "The *** Cereal Killers", and "Quiz on my face" - there are a few places on teams that still need to be filled, and we've managed to add one more table that is still up for grabs.

Also, to all those who haven't paid, please get your money to ***** ****. Without our help, some planners far away in London will be forced to use Microsoft Excel 2007 to compile spreadsheets. The inhumanity.

Sense of humour FAIL

2009-11-05T05:13:00.000-08:00

[context: Board Account Director objects to amusing lookalikes of him in weekly all-staff mailer, but lacks the social skills to articulate said concerns.]

>>>>>>>
On reflection I've decided my sense of humour doesn't stretch as far as you clearly think it does.
No more offensive comparison pics thank you.
Do you understand?
******

>>>>>>>
***
Is it not common courtesy when some asks a question to expect a response?
******

>>>>>>>
Humblest apologies. Yes, I did understand that request, complex though it was.
***

>>>>>>>
Thanks. And whilst I may appear touchy on the subject (I'm usually not) I got laughed at too much for comfort yesterday - it was a little tiresome - so would appreciate my pics coming off current/future versions with immediate effect.

>>>>>>>
Fair enough - do bear in mind that it was ***** who suggested said likenesses. (The same ***** that you compared to 'a potato full of drugs'.)

>>>>>>>
***, my friend, I do not bear you any grudge. I am well aware of the source!
I could bark on about 'hands in fires' etc but I won't. Anyway once was mildly amusing, twice a bit offensive...
Matter closed.

>>>>>>>
I understand your ire, ****** - nobody likes to be lampooned unjustly, and I have removed the offending images. However, it's important to retain a sense of perspective. *********, by its very nature, is irreverent and ridiculous; while it is never my intention to specifically offend, I like to think that the concept as a whole (and the lookalike section in particular) is a conduit for creativity for the agency; every likeness, such as they may or may not be, is suggested from the user end and published unedited as such. It certainly isn't meant to offend and I apologise for any discomfort or awkwardness this has caused, but I suspect that if your colleagues are laughing at you for something so trivial then perhaps this is an HR matter, rather than something to put on my shoulders.

For future reference, I'm always happy to remove material that's causing issues (like I say, it's never my intention to offend), but steaming in with comments like 'Do you understand?' and making ironic use of the concept of 'common courtesy' is frankly a little bit rude - so let's make a deal. I'll exempt you from any mention in future issues unless it's glowingly rosy, and in return you can refrain from chastising me like a naughty schoolboy. Sound good?

Like you say, matter closed.
***

Office phone sex

2009-10-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

Hi ****

********* just dialled into a conference call in (I think) the ****** office and could hear nothing but heavy breathing and moaning. She called us all in to have a listen - two people were clearly doing it on the conference room table with no idea that we could hear them. For ages.

It's the best thing that's happened all week.

******

The adland class divide

2009-10-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

All,

Sending all-staffers is a good way of reaching a moderately large number of people who might want to buy your old bric-a-brac. However, you may also find that your 'I have such-and-such for sale' email is met with a wave of sighs. For this reason, I've created a noticeboard on *** ******* - you can share details of what you have to offload without potentially irritating people. All you need to do is send me the details and I'll upload it for you for all to see. This will stop everyone's inboxes being flooded (and will lessen the depression and demoralisation suffered by us poorer employees who live on Tesco Value beans, have no idea how they're going to pay the gas bill and die a little inside at the thought of spending over three hundred sheets on a ***** *****).

You can find the noticeboard in the London area of *** *******, which I'm sure you're all familiar with by now, right?

You can use this for selling your old stuff, promoting your cousin's bespoke furniture shop, hawking your fancy holiday home and all the other things you rich folk get up to.

If you have any questions or want to put anything on the noticeboard, let me know. I'll be the one with holes in his shoes, begging for your spare change and scraps from your table.

******

Hi, everyone. You're fired.

2009-10-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

***** ***** 16/10/09 16:10
To
******

That subject line is surely the best redundancy notice ever...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

***** ***** 16/10/09 16:04
To
ALL STAFF

Subject:
Careers Fair at *** next week - Yes! You could be there!

Hi all,

Sorry for the short notice but we are considering attending the careers fair at *** on *** *** **** to drum up some awareness for our ******* ******* Scheme 2010. We need some volunteers who are free from 4.30-8.30 next Weds evening, will simply be a question of meeting grads and talking about your wonderful experiences here at *****. Please let me know asap if you are free and able to attend.

If it is bribery you require, please name your price.

Thanks

******

Subject: Stop it, you filth

2009-10-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

All,

There's a man in this building who likes to read newspapers on the toilet. He likes to read our newspapers on the toilet, and always leaves them in there. We don't really fancy retrieving them after he's finished with them, we don't know what he does in there - it's never a grown-up paper with long words and clever people news. It's always one that's got tits in it. That's what he likes looking at while he's sitting in a dark room with his trousers around his ankles.

We know who he is. If he does it one more time I'll tell you his name.

******

You're at work, not on CraigsList

2009-10-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

Subject: Fridge Freezer

Has anyone got one they want to sell?
Just moved into my new house and the previous owners have taken theirs with them.
Can't have my wine getting warm.

*****

Pretentious to the last

2009-10-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

Dear all,

This week is my last one in the agency.

I won't go into details as there is too much to say, but it has been a pleasure to work with you!

I wish you all the best, and as Hemingway once said "Never mistake motion for action."

****

Transparent bribery

2009-10-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

Dear ***,

Just wondered if you had a chance to help ***** out with her request this AM? No probs if you have not had the time. However, we need the results within the next ninety mins. Do-able?

Ps: might have the keys to a SL55 AMG for a few days, wanna try it out with me?

*******

Oh, the drama!

2009-10-08T01:52:00.000-07:00

Good Morning All,

Can whoever took the black Tote umbrella from upstairs in **** ****** yesterday at about 4pm please return it ASAP. If you would prefer to stay anonymous then please return it ASAP to ***** in reception, or send me an email to let me know you have it.

Taking something that does not belong to you is unacceptable and because of this I had to walk home in the pouring rain (this is not funny)!

Thanks,

*******

Shitty research request

2009-10-05T03:50:00.000-07:00

Hi ******,

A shitty request. Quite literally.

1. What is the total global value of the "digestive health" category?

2. And what is the growth trend of this category?

By "digestive health" we mean anything that helps you 'relieve bloating', or helps you take a jolly good dump.

We're obviously talking cereals such as *********, **** *****, and ***** *** ...supplements such as ***** **** and *******, and yoghurts such as ******* ... the whole shooting match.

Let me know what's possible by um, Tuesday. Told you it was shitty.

If there are off the shelf reports with a price tag, let me know and I'll hopefully get the cost approved.

Yours defecatorially,
******

Unexpected use of the word 'semantics'

2009-10-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

This Friday ******* and ******** have organised a private viewing of the exhibition so you can see the work, the truly 'magnificent' work, in all its glory.
Who's Invited: ************ Group People (first in first served)
Time: 6-7pm
Semantics: 2 x 25 seater coaches will leave *********** at 5:30pm on Friday 25th September bound for the '******* ******* Gallery'. First come first served to board the bus and get into the exhibition.

New starter - first week intro

2009-10-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

I used to write a Carrie Bradshaw type of column for *****, the magazine that covers matters of a sexual nature for womenfolk. At the launch party in Soho, I got there at the same time as Jodie Marsh. I was completely mesmerised by her orangeness and how she’d inventively created an outfit out of a couple of belts – she must have been in Brownies – that I didn’t look where I was going and tripped, falling flat on my face in front of all the paparazzi. My bag broke open and everything went everywhere. Somewhere in the files there’s probably a pap shot of Jodie with me crawling around in the background, trying to retrieve a lipstick from between her legs. So to speak.

Syntax

2009-10-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

Dear All

I'm sure loads of you saw the hysterical headlines trumpeting that the 'Internet has overtaken TV as the Biggest Advertising Sector'.

Of course, the reality is somewhat different. This is explained extremely well in this blog post from, unsurprisingly, the Head of the organisation that markets TV, Tess Alps. She's a brilliant lady who is very consistent in her argument that the modern world of communications is all about understanding the complementary roles of all media rather than trying to 'point score' on behalf of the sector she markets...unlike the IAB.

As we continue on our journey to becoming a hybrid, 'third way' agency that appreciates that, when it comes to the 'digital vs traditional' debate, it's not 'either or', it's 'both', Ms. Alps' views are the ones I'd most like us all to align with. Fuck me, that was a tortuous sentence. However, I think you'll find that it's syntactically correct.

I thank you.

******

An email from some mice, apparently

2009-10-01T04:14:00.000-07:00

we know what you're going to do.

but before you do it, just know we'll be bloody ready for you.

like dad's army were ready.

like churchill was ready.

like at the end of the third series of lost when they were prepared for the others.

like the french resistance were ready (sort of).

like greece were ready for portugal.

like noah and his ark were ready.

like the trojans weren't ready for the argives.

we ARE this place. kill us and you've killed the soul of the building. we know everything that goes on here.

we see ****** playing with his whoopie cushion.

we know the only reason you want the ******** account is for the free mousetraps.

we see the naughty couples touching each other in the special room behind the ******** ***.

we saw ****** perming ********'s hair with her hot fingers.

it was our bloody idea to shoot that ad on a ****** *****.

we see who nicks ***'s mags (it's ******** by the way)

we're now going to get really bloody drunk until friday, and also mash up some glass, cover ourselves in glue, roll around in the glass, then jump all over you.

you were warned. eek off.

Discretion

2009-09-25T09:09:00.001-07:00

Whoever it is that's applying for a job as Global Brand Director at ******* and/or Integrated Marketing Communications Director at ********* - you've left your job specs up here on the third floor.

Both roles apparently require 'discretion', so... best of luck there.

Toilet reading

2009-09-25T09:08:00.001-07:00

Dear gentlemen of the ********* Building,

Please stop pinching the tabloids so that you can read them while you're having a dump. We're fed up with finding the Sun, the Star and the Mirror on the floor of the khazi every single bloody day, and obviously we can't archive them after they've been abandoned in a puddle of piss. Seriously, just stop it. It's a massive waste of our money to be buying these all in just so that you can ogle the norks while you evacuate your bowels. If you want to catch up on what Katie's saying about Peter or whether Jacko's really dead while you're unleashing a brown demon, please supply your own reading material.

Comedy ticket for sale

2009-09-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone.

I have a spare ticket for Richard Herring's 'Oh Fuck, I'm 40' show at the Arts Theatre on Friday 29th Feb.

The man is a genius and if you don't find him ball-achingly funny then you're probably a tedious robot from the future who likes Titchmarsh and crying in the dark. So, yeah... come along if you want. You'll have to sit with me but don't worry, I'll probably keep my hands to myself. (Be aware that I can make no such promises for my awful friend ***** who, in all honesty, will make you feel really uncomfortable.)

Ticket was £12.50 but, you know, buy me a few drinks and we'll call it even.

******

p.s. This isn't a cry for help.

Phone for sale

2009-09-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Would you like to buy a mobile telephone? I bet you would. Perhaps yours is a bit rubbish? Perhaps you want a spare (which, if we're honest, is a very sensible idea)? Buy mine. It's good, you'll like it.

Call me on **** for details. Come on, don't be a prick.

Even in context, this was confusing

2009-09-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hi this is **** and I'm with The Weather.

I'm trying to find out how The Weather is feeling, but The Weather is pretty much keeping itself to itself and refuses to tell me how it will be later. I've tried offering biscuits.

I will therefore leave The Weather outside to think over its behaviour.

****

PS ******* and I like the hula hooping girl talking about "s is for sex"

Mangling

2009-09-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

*****,

I've already briefed *** on this as it's an issue of great confidentiality due to massive ramifications and repurcussions.

I think I've invented the Ultimate Mangler......what I would call the 'Flux Mangler Plus'

It combines the outright ball-removing efficiency of the Mangler Plus with the 'pause/rewind' functionality of the Flux Mangler.

Imagine kicking someone's balls clean off, no tearing.......so hard that they fly for AT LEAST 150 metres.........and then rewinding them back at high speed so that they cause even further trauma! You could actually repeatedly watch someone's balls smashing in and out of them.

I'd imagine the US Army will be interested. Keep it under your hat or, as it's a foot-based device, firmly within a thick sock or a slip-on loafer.

*****

Marketing Week

2009-09-25T08:52:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone.

I'm afraid the delivery of Marketing Week has been delayed today because "it on'y came inna ware'ouse abaht an haaar ago", so we "won' geddit til tomorrer" and there's "nuffink we can do abaaaaaaaaaaaaht it".

You can read most of it at www.marketingweek.co.uk so hopefully that'll suffice until tomorrow morning. Enormous apologies. Please don't hurt me, it really isn't my fault. Blame the extravagantly cockneyish tossers at ******** or ******* or whatever their name is this week.

******

Germans

2009-09-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Agency,

We're looking for a German lady aged 25-35, or at the very least a native German speaker with an authentic accent. We'd need an hour of your time today to help us out with recording a voiceover for an ad that we're testing.

Apart from the honour of your voice being played to literally tens of German housewives in a darkened room in ********* and my eternal gratitude, we would provide an alcohol based reward or your choice of the finest industrial techno with chainsaw SFX that iTunes has to offer.

If you fit the bill, and would be willing to help out, please give me a tinkle.

Please note, all xenophobic or 'comedy' responses will be forwarded to HR with the recommendation of several months in a Siberian labour camp by way of punishment.

*****

Minging

2009-09-25T08:06:00.001-07:00

Please can you make sure that you don't put your left over food down the sinks in the bathrooms (who does that???) apparently in the last few weeks there have been several blockages mainly in Bays 1 and 2 (despatch end of the building), which is a total pain for facilities and very costly - its also totally minging.

There are big bins provided in each kitchen especially for this purpose, so please make sure you use them rather than the bathroom sinks.

Thanks.

MD's response to the above email

2009-09-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

Indeed. Bins, not bathroom facilities, are for leftover food. Mind you, it's probably the same confused person who keeps shitting in my bin.

Hopping mad

2009-09-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Just to 1) save myself from having to tell the story too many times, and 2) spoil ******'s fun by not allowing him to tell the story too many times, I feel an all-staff email is required to tell you all that i dislocated my knee on Friday night. Yes, I was spectacularly pissed, yes, I was attempting to carry **** and **** to show how strong I am, and yes, wee *** gleefully leaped on my back at this point and out popped my knee. I believe that I cried out in a high, girlish voice, but I can't truly remember.

As you see me hopping around on crutches for the next couple of weeks, feel free to point and laugh.

Love x

Stress

2009-09-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

Well as you know my life is enviable and glamorous

came off last of a succession of longhauls after a few days swimming with SHARKS around boardroom tables and very little sleep having had to suck up to sharks and do my day job long into the night juggling people in time zones, dribbling and weak with exhaustion, and imagining the piles of washing, mess and dirty plates prepared for me by my loving family (there were no disappointments there as it turned out) but - no driver waiting, then after too many angry calls, old driver appears who says ' I'm 75' - not cos it's his birthday but just cos he is

then he was all shifty and insisted on going to the car while he got his ticket - I assumed he wanted a wee or something.
I dutifully got into the draylon back seat of a bouncy suspension-free old nissan...

but actually he'd lost the ticket so we drove round and round the multistorey look for the parking office, then he found it and took 45mins to sort it out, then he tailgated all the way home and cut people up and went psycho the whole way

next driver the following day after another there- n-back trip had such BO I 'did a labrador' and had my head stuck out the window all the way down the M4 - pong pong pong

meantime on a quick hop to ****** after secret meeting of intense skullduggery, I paid $15 for a '10min backrub' by the departure gate and the massage woman starts singing enya and improvising her own words like 'reeelaaax, it's sooooothing in your eyes, youre auara's mine to heal ...' -jeez, I was really really afraid. she put her finger in my ear too which was wrong, all wrong, not sure deliberate, she was a nutter

then I look up and there is an impenetrable forest of wheelchairs jockeying for position all around me, I look up higher and see it's a flight to Lourdes. I look down again and notice ten monks in cadfael robes looking sternly at the people in the wheelchairs (don't know why, maybe they wanted a turn). and my phone rang but i couldn't fish it out of my bag in time and said 'fu*k' - this is my damnation for treating myself to a 10 min weirdo-rubdown, I've been rumbled by my boss, and the wheelies/monk assemblage all heard and cursed me to hell for my profanity

this plus outrageous behaviour from very high maintenance ****** people who insisted on an a la carte meal in the middle AND end of the day, teams in ******** and ****** grossly misbehaving in very different but sleep-stealing ways and some unexpected difficulties in my normally immaculate assassin-squad ****** team

please can I have a nice job down with you ?

Further toilet reading

2009-09-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

There's a man in this building who likes to read newspapers on the toilet. He likes to read our newspapers on the toilet, and always leaves them in there. We don't really fancy retrieving them after he's finished with them, we don't know what he does in there - it's never a grown-up paper with long words and clever people news. It's always one that's got tits in it. That's what he likes looking at while he's sitting in a dark room with his trousers around his ankles.

We know who he is. If he does it one more time I'll tell you his name.

Free houmous

2009-09-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

Anyone want a tub of delicious caramelised onion houmous? I only had a tiny scoop before I realised that it's full of carbs. (My bastard fucking doctor says 'no carbs, no wheat, no dairy' - I don't know what that leaves. Lichen? Wasps? Christ, I'm hungry.)

Anyway, it's yours if you want it. Save yourself £1.14 (minus the 0.7pence-worth I snaffled). Once the contents have been consumed, I'm sure that the pot will make an excellent storage facility for your wayward paperclips and suchlike. It's got a lid and everything.

More thievery

2009-09-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

Morning all.

I've had a number of people recently reporting that magazines they've ordered haven't been turning up. Process of elimination has shown that it's not that the suppliers aren't delivering them, nor is it that the heroically fastidious team in the postroom aren't distributing them - it comes down to some person/persons wandering off with other people's post.

Now, if you see a copy of NME or Heat or whatever sitting in someone's post tray you might think it's a minor frivolity, but if they've ordered it they've done so for a reason. Taking other people's post is (obviously) theft.

Don't steal from your colleagues, it's not on. And you're making me look a right dick.

Thanks.

Honda for sale

2009-09-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. The sun's shining, you're wearing clean pants and you work in an office that's got a bar in it. Your life isn't turning out too badly.

...but surely there's more to it than this? It can't all be me, me, me - how about some sort of benevolent charitable activity to make your soul shine and your halo glimmer? What could you do this week to make the world a marginally better place? Fear not, I have the answer.

As you're no doubt aware, the rate at which cars are destroyed, crushed, crashed and generally decommissioned in the UK is devastating. Perfectly good machines, once somebody's pride and joy, needlessly and callously sidelined in the bleak and shameless name of progress. Well, no more! I put it to you that it is your obligation & your duty to do what you can to stem this destructive flow. Do it. Save a Honda today.

Call me on **** and buy something worth fighting for.

It'll only cost you a few hundred to get it ship-shape... go on, you know it makes sense.

Thievery

2009-09-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

Stop nicking our stuff, it's mean and it's making us very sad.

I've said this a million times before (well... not to you ***** folk. Hello. Welcome to my bitterness), but people are still relentlessly and remorselessly stealing our newspapers and magazines.

We get these in for your use, that's true. That is their purpose. There are, however, systems involved; rules that need to be adhered to... otherwise there will be total anarchy. If you all carry on in this way, we may find copies of Campaign lining the floor of the bar like some absurb canary cage, wads of the Telegraph blocking the toilets, inoperable elevators due to shafts jammed with the Economist. Could you live in such a world? It smacks of dystopian calamity to us.

Look, come and help yourselves to the news and mags - that is, of course, what they're for. But please, please sign out what you've borrowed in the little blue folder and for the love of all that is holy, do return the damn things at some point. There's no merit in us spending all this money to be a continually up-to-date source of information if people are just stealing our resources on a daily basis. We're seriously considering cancelling everything, splitting the money between us and going on a nice little holiday somewhere. It'd be a lovely soothing break for us, plus I'd be spared the indignity of saying 'I'm sorry, we don't have the newspaper/magazine/whatever you're after' over and over again.

So please - play by the rules. We're not bad people, we don't deserve this. We've totally lost our faith in the human spirit and are on the verge of implosion... and you don't want that on your conscience.

Lots of manly handshakes, heartfelt hugs and shifty sideways glances,

******

p.s. Today is Campaign day. This always gets stolen straight away. Think on - you're not the only one here.
p.p.s. We're keeping a closer eye on the resources from now on; if we see you a-thieving, we'll follow you to your desk and yoink your most expensive possessions (although they're probably from Netto, you cheapskate).
p.p.p.s. Don't leave The Sun in the lav - I know there's a delicious poetry to the situation but do try to exercise restraint.
p.p.p.p.s. Sorry to nag. I hope you all have a lovely day. I like you.

Campaign (yet again)

2009-09-25T07:51:00.002-07:00

Dear thieves,

Please return all of our copies of Campaign immediately, lest we rampage through the office in an orgy of insane violent blood-lust fury.

Lots of love,
******

Campaign (again)

2009-09-25T07:51:00.001-07:00

Campaign gets stolen from us every week. Every week.

We buy in all these magazines so that everyone can have access to them without having to get individual subscriptions for each person (which would obviously cost a fortune), but the system breaks down if you nick stuff and don't bring it back because it means no-one else can see whatever it is you've pinched. It's selfish. So, two things:

1) Remember that if you're borrowing something you need to sign it out in the folder, and bring it back at some point too.

2) We won't be keeping Campaign on the magazine racks any more, it'll be in a secret place. You'll need to ask us for it. Sorry to be draconian, but this is what happens when you betray us. We have feelings too. Imagine a cute fluffy little bunny being repeatedly kicked in the face by Russell Crowe. That's what you're doing to us.

Campaign

2009-09-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Campaign has failed to materialise again this week. I would apologise profusely, but it's not my fault. It's the fault of *********. Annoyed? Call them on 0207*******. Ask for *****. Tell her she's incompetent. Tell her she couldn't organise a nun-shoot in a nunnery. Tell her she couldn't open a can of beans that was already open.

Hopefully our big bulging stack of mags will be here soon. Those of you that get Campaign in the post should be receiving it as normal. The rest of you will need to perch on the edge of your seats and await further instruction.

Papers

2009-09-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

Morning all.

Those of you that receive newspapers/magazines/etc may have noticed their absence this morning. I can only apologise for this (it isn't my fault, but you look like you need a scapegoat and my morning couldn't get a lot worse). Apparently our suppliers have a rather traditional view of the supply/demand chain and insist on being paid for things. Imagine that.

Hopefully this will all soon be a distant and unpleasant memory. In the meantime, feel free to come down and swear at us. We promise not to retaliate.

********
(humble)